Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was!

   some women wud rather stay in a bad relationship because starting over and not being able to fart around the new guy sucks.

   Just got a message from Jaheem Kofi, the kid I'm feeding for $.50 a day in Ivory Coast... he wants his NY Ranger 2014 Stanley Cup Champions T-shirt in small.

   And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   Hey ladies, wtf is wrong with a selfie with just a normal smile??

   When bad things happen to good people, I usually try to take a picture with my phone.

   Leaving some stones unturned is just fine with me.

   I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   No YouP0rn... I do not want to play poker, I'm at work for crying out loud.

   If you have a car payment on your Kia, you're doing it wrong...

   I can't wait to see all the $hit people start throwing at drummers now!

   It's sad when people on welfare make more money than I do

   Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.

   I'm regreterosexual.

   I'm killing drinks like it's the alcoholocaust.

   Still not 100% clear on whether French Montana is a person or a steakhouse special.

   Don't be upset that you're single; be happy that someone isn't ruining your life.