Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1917 of 6446

If you don't like Star Wars puns, you R2 boring for me.

I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

Girl, this is gonna be an amazing night *bookcase rotates to reveal wall of wrestling DVDs* Ok, so which WrestleManias have you not seen
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06-12-2014 03:19
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When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?
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06-12-2014 03:18 by Baddie
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Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
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06-12-2014 03:11
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I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.
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06-12-2014 03:10
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I'm pretty sure the cause of all divorces can be traced back to marriage.
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06-12-2014 02:49
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My relationship status went from being "single" to "still single"
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06-12-2014 02:46
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My order says "Family Meal". And I say, "I am a family of one"
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06-12-2014 00:21
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I REPEAT,,,, THE ESCAPED OCTOPUS IS HEAVILY ARMED
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06-11-2014 22:51 by snotty
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I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.

FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
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06-11-2014 19:09 by Huck
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"Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/

Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.

Looks like Eric Cantor was defeated by some Brat.
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06-11-2014 09:49
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Just in time for the Summer, UKIP is set to launch a new range of tents. They're like normal tents but without any poles...
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06-11-2014 08:57
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BBC News: "A body has been found in a fridge freezer with all body parts separated. The police are treating this case as suspicious."
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06-11-2014 08:49
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Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work
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06-11-2014 08:45
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Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.
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06-11-2014 08:23 by Baddie
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"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
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06-11-2014 08:22 by SEAN
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