Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife will buy anything marked down. The other day she brought home an escalator.

   This homeless dude comes to me and ask for money. He said “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I said “Don’t worry. It still states the same.”

   I'd rather bathe with a cat than have a joint FB account...

   The best way to deal with voicemails is to simply not return them.

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   When a chicken crosses the road it is poultry in motion.

   I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men

   Let me drink about it and get back to you.

   Have you ever noticed that the people you'd like to say "Go to H ell!" to are almost always the kind of people who'd ask for detailed directions?

   Common sense says I shouldn't put it in there *puts it in there*

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   My girlfriend does this cute lil thing where she pretends like she's not my girlfriend and screams "help me" everytime I open my trunk.

   It's all good to be a religious person.. Just do it way over there... Away from me

   In hell, you actually look like the first selfie you take.

   Relationship status: "Yeah, we can totally go out, but first, I need you to take this short spelling test."

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.