Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

   People make promises all the time. I prefer to just make love.

   I can't help it if I'm honest. Horny and honest. Mostly horny.

   Her: How's your drink? Me: It's ok. I can't taste the alcohol though Her:That's cause we're at the gym and its a protein shake

   where did all these feelings come from and where can I put them

   Both my girlfriends think I'm cheating. I thought relationships were built on trust and being faithful

   yes I have a dirty mind, and you are in it…

   Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories

   My bank just called me because of suspicious activity on my debit card. They couldn't believe I bought a gym membership.

   Forecast calls for thunderstorms in Europe today. France surrenders...

   Financial planning? You mean being pretty?

   The longer a Woman takes to get ready, the easier it is to piss her off.. it's Science

   In a new interview, Hillary Clinton said the Bible is the most influential book she's ever read. Some people think she might be pandering to Southern Christian voters. Then Hillary said, "Oh come on y'all — little ol' me?"

   Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new

   For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

   Being heckled during sex is the worst.

   You're so fabulous, I'm pretty sure you sh*t glitter.

   I once donated a pint of blood and the doctors were quite greatful. They said it contained enough alcohol to sterilize their equipment.

   Sometimes it is best not to talk unless you can improve on the silence.

   My girlfriend and I almost didn't have the second date because on the first date I didn't open the car door for her. I just swam to the surface.