Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.

   Best worm parent advice... Try to sleep in kids.

   It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

   You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.

   I am not saying you have to love me. I am just saying the duct tape will come off quicker if you do.

   Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

   Obama has added a new amendment to our constitution by exec order: No taxation without representation...unless said representation doesn't pass every law Obama wants passed.

   Dear air conditioning: I don't think I've ever truly expressed how grateful I am for you. Now please keep cranking out that cold air.......

   You cannot suck your own lollipop............. man if I could I would never leave home!

   There was shootings and stabbings surround the BET Awards? You dont say. In other news, meteorologist suggest it "may be hott" today in the Safari Desert.

   Have you tried being more dramatic? Maybe that will work.

   How much for the death sentence? Sir, this is a marriage license.