Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either

   Me: "Hey you forgot to close the door! Were you born in a barn?" Jesus: "Yes." Me: "Oh, it's you. Sorry, Jesus." Jesus: "I forgive you."

   Just finding out that Nickelback has a greatest hits album very well may have ruined my entire day.

   It's racial profiling when a waiter in a Chinese restaurant gives me a fork.

   When I forget how annoying people can be, I log on to Facebook for about three minutes.

   Friend: Are you coming to my mom’s funeral? Me: Is she gonna make her famous casserole? Friend: She’s dead. Me: Then I’ll pass.

   Me: Are you a dealer? Him: Obviously. Me: I want cocaine. Him: For the last time, place a bet or leave the casino.

   In the rest of the world, it’s called “football,” but in America it’s called “Let’s see what else is on TV.”

   I got passed by a Prius on the Interstate and now I’m legally required to pee sitting down.

   I hate goodbyes. And hellos. And all the human interaction in between.

   If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don't judge her, you're also eating at Applebees.

   Wife: You’re a man. Act like one. Me: OK. *scratches balls and ignores the problem*

   Starting a Mexican boy band named Juan Direction.

   Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.

   I’d love to tell my wife to make me a sandwich after sex, but then I wouldn’t have enough teeth left to eat it.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

   Pringles - The only chip company in the world, that doesn't sell air!

   Sooooo workin for TSA wasn't a good enough job so you decided to sell... Coke and make Crack at your house while the kids were there....smh