Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't Always wear my glasses but when I do I can see properly.

   Guys that try to pickup women on FaceBook are pathetic. Ladies if you agree DM me your number so we can talk about it...

   "How much for the man cave?" "Sir that's a doghouse." "Can you install cable?"

   Don't be the one that smells the farts, be the one that is the farts.

   Your life sounds very interesting. Tell me more about your dog.

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   Have you heard about the Facebook that's just for women only? It's called a cookbook.

   To do list: Cancel date with Hope Solo.

   Some people spend their whole life searching....I spend it trying to keep a straight face.

   Every once in a while you come across a tweet that makes you stop and wonder, if monkeys now also have tweeter accounts.

   Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?

   Kim Kardashian is back in the studio, working on an album? She's turning her sex tape into a musical?

   Pope Francis denounces the Mafia. Talk about the kettle calling the pot black.

   Washington can just change their mascot to a potato. Problem solved.

   Dan Snyder finally agreed that the name Washington Redskins is offensive, so from now on they'll be known simply as the Redskins.

   The friend zone is just another place to have sex

   I can't wait to meet that special someone who I will eventually stop having sex with.

   You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.

   Re the World Cup: Instead of wars how about countries settle their disputes with a soccer game? After all, they usually end up in a riot anyhow.