Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so cute how you have a safe word like you think I can hear you through the duct tape.

   Sorry, I only date crazy girls. If there's not a 50/50 chance I'll have to file a restraining order at some point plz don't waste my time.

   There's nothing that a well-planned homicide can't fix.

   My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'.

   when Catholics do that ‘head, shoulder, knees and toes’ thing then fool everyone they’ve prayed.

   Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on facebook maybe they wouldn't get heartbroken so often.

   Photo bombing is all fun and games until terrorists start doing it.

   Went for a jog today and heard clapping from behind, then realized it was the cheeks of my ass cheering me on!!!

   Finally, we can stop talking about soccer for another 4 years.

   The World Cup is finally over. Now can we get back to watching fat men in ridiculous padding running around randomly?

   Don't cry for me Argentina

   One sneaky missle attack on copa cabana beach now and the Falklands is maintenance free forever

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!

   How much for the phone charger? Sir, that's a nuclear power plant.

   I'm fat, but not "hotel towels no longer fit around my waist" fat.

   Some women try to live their lives through another woman. Point in case Rihanna and Kim Kardashian wannabes.

   If we sacrifice Justine Beiber to Satan, it would bring world peace. . .

   Dear cars that have an Automatic start engine button please don't do it around me sincerely someone who thought you where a Transformer

   You never see a church with free WiFi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works..