Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must be looking extra good today because this dude with a backpack on the side of the road was giving me the big thumbs up. Thanks man!

   "You're more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark."... *The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.

   float like a butterfly, sting like a bee, squeak like a rat, swim like a dolphin,,, welcome to the shapeshifter club, please turn into a seat

   I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.

   3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup

   Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.

   If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.

   I hate Throwback Thursday. I already have to see your ugly face in a hundred different angles from your selfies. Now I have to see how fat and ugly you were as a kid too?!

   Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!

   All I'm saying is if she was any dumber I'd have to water her.

   According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...

   In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?

   I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.

   This big soccer contest thingy has been going on for a month and forever and not one riot yet? C'mon, hooligans! You're letting me down...

   doing push ups with my tongue.

   My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.

   I just kicked an empty soda can and somehow scored a goal against Brazil.

   2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.

   If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever