Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lonely, Sober and Miserable sound like the same sh*t to me.

   "You're as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care

   *accidentally answers phone call* *pretends to be answering machine*

   People that ask if you're there yet are the reason why vibrat0rs exist

   If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

   It was just sex until I said "I do" and now we don't.

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   Saw a guy wearing a backwards, upside down visor. I assume he DOESN'T want to block sun but DOES want to collect rain.

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.

   If only you can see the Face I'm makiong ....When you add another plate in the sink while I'm washing the freakin dishes!!!!

   I feel bad for Arab Americans that truely want to get into crop dusting.\

   I typed in "Tim Howard" into Google. I'm waiting for the search results but I think they've been blocked.

   Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov says, "Oh hell, I forgot to feed the dog."

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   I didn't know which one of my multiple personalities I wanted to be today, so I stayed home instead. . .

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   If someone could take my phone away from me, that'd be great, thanks