Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This big soccer contest thingy has been going on for a month and forever and not one riot yet? C'mon, hooligans! You're letting me down...

   doing push ups with my tongue.

   My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.

   I just kicked an empty soda can and somehow scored a goal against Brazil.

   2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.

   If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.

   "No comment" - said no woman, ever

   "My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"

   Which surprise would be worse .The 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, or "Just look at the flowers" kind.

   A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?

   This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I'll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.

   How much for this brick of gold? Sir, that's a block of cheese.

   I had to explain to my brother that a milf is supposed to be someone else's mother..

   As long as I have my hand up her skirt, she is my puppet.

   *gay guy hits on me* ME: I'm straight. GAY GUY: So is spaghetti, until it's hot & wet. If any man gets to have me, it's this dude...

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   The only bad thing about not caring if the toilet paper roll goes under or over is forgetting which way you put it on while taking a dump in the dark

   I totally love and fully respect that you're a little bit slutty

   “The Force” is weird. How come a Jedi can detect a planet being destroyed light years away but can’t tell he is kissing his own sister?

   I have eggs in a carton in the back of the frig. I think they've been there for months. They now may be an I.E.D. I don't know what to do. Advise please, OVER?