Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

   Cleveland better not get too excited about LeBron coming to town, He's just coming home to get his hairline then he's leaving again.

   Been seeing this girl for a while so I think it's time to pop the question. Anal??

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   Opening a Game of Thrones-themed restaurant called "Daenerys Served"

   How To Lose A Guy In 10 Passive-Aggressive Texts

   Thank god the media continue to obsess on these coal hauling Kartrashian hoes and putting them out as role models.

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.

   Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me!

   every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps

   Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.

   You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?

   FACEBOOK: Twitter, because sleep deprivation, alcoholism, sexual frustration, social dysfunction, & personal suffering were made for the internet.

   When a woman says, "I'm NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That's universal for, "You're going to die."

   I really think there should be a separate driving lane for those of us running solely on caffeine and rage.

   When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.

   If you're going to make assumptions, start with the assumption that you are a shallow idiot.

   fall in love with someone who treats you like Kanye West treats Kanye West.