Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm only sitting in the back of this police car for the free donuts.

   2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.

   You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   Don’t you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

   I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.

   Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

   I search all over the internet for funny stuff and paste it here so that you don't have to. So show some appreciation please.

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?

   You know she is a psycho when she posts pics of her mood. SAD, ANNOYED, HAPPY, ANGRY.

   "I need dat and dat and dat" - stomach

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.