Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship status: my cat won't sit still for our selfies.

   Sorry I keep forgetting you're not my therapist.

   Me: I'll have a quickie. Barista: Sir, it's called an espresso.

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.

   Of course my attitude is good when you do as I say

   Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering on Orlando Bloom as he tried to punch Justin Bieber is enough for him to earn his Oscar in my books.

   Have you tried not taking another selfie?

   The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.

   Come over here and I’ll show you what the girl I cheated on you with did in bed.

   If you find a kitten & it licks your face, it's your new kitten. I know this because that's how I met my wife.

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....

   I'm a Man......The world is my urinal.

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   glory hole one word or two? I want this email to my new boss to be perfect.

   *shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."