Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use to hate facial hair, but it grew on me.

   It is easier to get forgiveness than it is to get permission.

   If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I'm at the expert level of Angry Birds

   *Pizza Hut job interview* "Do you own a sh*tty car and smoke pot?" No sir. "You will."

   Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!

   It's my pain and I'll cry if I want to!

   For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   I found out where the Terminator Action Figures are sold at Wal-mart. Aisle B, back.

   Derek Jeter sent a gift basket to Adam Wainwright's room last night.

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   I will believe corporations are people when Texas executes one

   I love you, flushable baby wipes.

   It's that time of year we need a Frozen Margarita truck. . .

   So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .

   I'm still wondering exactly how long a cotton picking minute really is. Does anyone know ?

   69 + 69 = dinner for four. . .

   I will pay anyone $100 bucks to be at my wake in a Reapers costume holding a scythe. I will have it in my will to anyone who wants that job. . .

   I have heard I said that women are the fairer sex ... that has not been my experience.

   Wife wife insists on having the last word in any argument. Anything I say after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   When one door closes and another window opens you are probably in prison.