Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you want to undertake a survey to judge the public’s mood or feeling about something, someone or an event, please do not include people on social media because 90% of them are idiots.

   You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly in school zones.

   "Going forward, we will only be selling one-way tickets." -Malaysian Airlines press release

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed. And it was great

   Can you give me the opposite of these words quickly: Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down

   Note to self: Do NOT fly Malaysian Airlines.

   The Lakers are signing players like Nicolas Cage picks his movies.

   Malaysian Airlines will only be selling one way tickets from now on.....

   *at the cat shelter* Yes hi, where are the shopping carts?

   I could spend my day outside, but I'm sure there's plenty of p0rn that needs to be rated.

   I’m not really into the idea of letting a set of made up ancient rules dictate my life. Hell I'm not real keen modern laws telling me what I can and cannot do!

   The only time the word incorrectly isn't spelled incorrectly is when it’s spelled incorrectly.

   If your shirt isn’t tucked into your pants, then your pants are tucked into your shirt.

   I got you something better than a present. I wrote "happy birthday dude" on your Facebook when a robot reminded me it was your birthday.

   President Vladimir Putin says at least we know where this Malaysian Airliner is.

   To all of the people whom voted for Obama the second time: There's an idiot on your keyboard right between the letter "Y" and "I"

   "I quit" - Ahmad Jauhari Yahya, Group Chief Executive Officer Malaysia Airlines

   A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.

   What do you call a woman with big breasts who doesn't make sandwiches? A compromise.