Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?

   You're never too old to learn stupid siht...

   I think the whitest thing about me is after I get my hair cut, I like to leave the barber shop.

   What do I have to do to become the 8th deadly sin?

   That bottle of beer doesn't care if you have bad breath. Its still happy to kiss you.

   Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.

   Live each day like someone's paying for drinks

   Parenting: negotiating with terrorists every single minute of every single day for the rest of your miserable life.

   Sometimes I worry that eating pizza isn't a real sport.

   If Beyonce with all her beauty, talent and money can get cheated on, what chance you you basic women have?

   The ones who could afford 1st class on the Malaysian airlines flight, didn't live any longer than those on economy...

   To the Maverick detective - Jim Rockford, RIP James Garner

   Malaysian Airlines tickets will be half price from now on because that is as far as you are going to get.

   One thing that people may not know about me is that I'm very passionate about not getting beaten to death with fireplace tools.

   Tell a woman she looks great 10,000 times, she never remembers, but call her fat just once and she'll never forget it. AmIright? AmIright?

   According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, you're actually a few million years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

   Saw my ex for the first time since we broke up at a diner last night. She was with another guy. So I ordered a sandwich, took a few bites, went up to their table, handed her date my leftovers and walked away.

   If you hold a beer glass to your ear, you hear joy.

   My forearm tattoo is just this Pringles can I cant get off my arm.

   I can't wait until I'm old enough to get my own zombie .......a lot of people at the retirement home have walkers