Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I need dat and dat and dat" - stomach

   Not all accidents are destiny, but all girls named Destiny were accidents.

   Thanks, resealable packaging, but I think we both know that won't be necessary.

   Please lord let that toaster be plugged in. *watches wife fishing out bread with a fork

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   I swear while 50% of the human race is evolving the other 50% is devolving.

   life is just one big mess.....OCD people hate messes....therefore OCD people hate life

   You know how you can hear the sea if you hold a sea shell to your ear? I'm pretty sure if you hold dog sh*t to your ear it sounds like Justin Bieber.

   The American Quarter Horse has unique features that make it specially suited for a variety of tasks. Ya, Quarter pounder with cheese at McDonalds. Coincidence ?

   I'm so Facebook i'm sick of seeing all these stupid I'm so posts.

   I'm sick of people who judge so quickly and also trust justice system too much.

   Telephone: An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

   Suffering is good for the soul.

   I don't get along with Hipster kids. Not a fan of the smell of thrift stores.

   Sick of people worrying about the Criminal more than the Victim. I support the death penalty… and who cares how long it takes you to die during an execution? Di d you care when you killed those people?

   If you can listen to Dire Straits "Sultans of Swing" and not play the air guitar, then you my friend have no soul!

   'for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until' you eat the last star crunch and pee on the toilet seat

   Why is it always the ugly and fat women that are nymphos? For once I would like to meet a beautiful nympho.

   Some women; They deny sex but demand fidelity.

   Idiots are fun, no wonder every village has one.