Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   back pain is just youth leaving the body

   Life must suck for the reporters that have to report on the Justin Bieber n-word story...

   Possible post if Facebook was around in 1983: DANGIT...street lights are on. Guess who's getting beat with a belt when he gets home :'(

   (Possible post if Facebook was around in 1979) Busy day today. Me and the boys are riding all over town on our bikes. Later we'll be at the lot playing Hot Wheels, so hit me up if you're in.

   The way my boss speaks to me it's as if he doesn't realize I'm an internet phenomenon.

   I'm no mathlete, but I CAN tell you that a 6 y/o running at 8 mph chasing an ice cream truck moving at 10 mph flies 7.4 ft if you trip him.

   what makes fancy green beans fancy?

   Lady, Have you tried texting him 22 more times?

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   You may think the grass is greener on the other side,but if you take the time to water your own grass it would be just as green

   a painter paints pictures on canvas musicians paint the pictures on silence unless you're a musician in a cover band your painting by numbers over a bunch of loud mouth drunks

   This one time, I had a goldfish that could totally break dance on my carpet..........but only for about 20 seconds...

   Watching Maury and the guy says " having sex with her is like having sex with a unsanitized diaper"

   Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

   A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, “It’s okay, I think we lost him.”

   Roses are red Violets are blue Sunflowers are yellow I bet you were expecting something romantic but no this is just plain old gardening facts.

   If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding

   You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"

   If he looks unhappy, make him bacon, rub his belly, and break out the rubber toys. Dogs love that $h!t.

   When I see a girl with a lot of make up on her face.....I want to use my finger and write WASH ME on her face!