Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My introverts club met today...at separate houses.

   Having my boss over for dinner. Does anyone know where I can find a nice bottle of chianti?

   There is a new mohel in town. He doesn't charge for his services; he only takes tips.

   There is a special place in Hell for people that pass memes off as their own

   Always drink upstream of the buffalo herd.

   Strangers who think it's okay to just have a random chat with me is what's wrong with the world today.

   I'm only sitting in the back of this police car for the free donuts.

   2 game suspension for knocking a woman out cold? Good thing he didn't rape her too, they might have made him clean up the stadium after the games too.

   I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.

   The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.

   You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor.

   It’s amazing how fast your mood can change after you step in some water with socks on.

   The best thing about being single is sleeping around. You can sleep all over that lonely bed of yours. Left, right, middle, whatever.

   Every Instagram caption should just be, “ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??”

   Don’t you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick?

   I’m offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off.

   Sign said “WET PAINT” So I emptied my Dasani water bottle on it. I’m currently waiting on further instructions.

   I search all over the internet for funny stuff and paste it here so that you don't have to. So show some appreciation please.

   *at my own wedding* Can I please stay in the car?

   You know she is a psycho when she posts pics of her mood. SAD, ANNOYED, HAPPY, ANGRY.