Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dating someone solely on their looks is shallow. Consider other things such as how much money they have.

   The CIA has admitted spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee. They didn't find any.

   it was sooo cold last winter that i'm still farting snow flakes in August

   If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas

   The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you descended from one couple and their incestuous children?

   Fun thing to do #48: Spice up your food delivery order by ending the call with "And NO cops!"

   People accept that God exists & created the universe without evidence or proof but if you tell them Facebook is down they immediately check.

   I'm just a girl with a big butt, searching for a man who cannot lie.

   I bet Ke$ha's parents, €arl and £inda, are super ashamed of her.

   The kiss of death is what happens after the "I do's"

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another...

   The music stopped for a second in the strip club and everyone heard me opening my Velcro wallet.

   Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

   When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

   The best thing about drinking wine in a box is when you finish it, you can unfold the box and break dance on it....

   Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   It's ok, other ethnic groups. I'm afraid of drunk white chicks, too.

   The Brown Bear is similar to the Black Bear in most respects, however the Black Bear has a slightly more intricate handshake.