Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm wondering what we can trade Obama for ???

   My safe word is "more".

   LeBron James needs to sign with a WNBA team where its okay to puss out of a game because of cramps.

   The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do a dramatic removal

   Why can't Stevie wonder see his friends?... Cause he's married!!

   I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster!

   Multi billion dollar nba can't fix the damm AC in time for the finals.....serious!

   There are two things I cannot stand: Racism and Justin Bieber.

   According to the study that I never have done, alcohol consumption by stay at home Mom's goes up 500% when school gets let out for the summer.

   I like to throw hostesses off by shooting back at them with, "Do I look Native American?" after they ask me if I have a reservation.

   Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn't made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.

   My version of flirting is looking at someone attractive multiple times while hoping they are more brave than I am.

   Those of you who like food pictures, have you never been in a supermarket?

   Nothing says "party" like a red plastic cup.

   If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

   Obama 'I don't believe military intervention in Syria is the right move for America at this moment'.. In other News..No oil found in Syria

   I died for your sins. Now suck my ding dong! -Jesus

   [Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper] "Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?"

   My safe word is, "gross"

   Excuse me sir; you left your weird Jesus pamphlet on your bus seat. Oh yeah? Well here's a revelation for you: that's called littering.