Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks middle fingers for sticking up for me!

   Hello, it was great ignoring each other while I was here. We need to do this more often. . .

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket

   How much for this black sheep? Sir, that's a mirror.

   How much is it to see the therapist? Ma’am, that’s a buffet.

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lock eyes... "I love you" Kanye whispers as he sees his own reflection in Kim's eyes.

   So desperately in need of a mindgasm. Stimulation of the mind can be bliss but share it with someone and it becomes heaven on earth.

   A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

   I have a feeling that if I were _______ my wife would play with my pen1s a lot more...

   Icebergs started the whole "Just the tip" lie.

   Interview Tip: wear your tie around your head like rambo so they know you're serious about business

   You really could help childhood obesity by eliminating school zone speed limits. Make those little chubsters run when they see a car coming.

   Saw a X today I really liked back in the day. Dodged a Big Ole Bullet there.

   My feelings for you haven't changed...after a year I still don't like you.

   This getting older thing really sucks. These days my eyes are so bad I have to buy the Large Print edition of Alphabet Soup.

   That moment when you see your EX with that person they told you not to worry about during your relationship...

   The best part about being a plumber a friend told me is you can tell a snobby old rich lady that she needs a new ballcock with a straight face...

   If you mix Jack Daniels with a Smirnoff, are you drinking a jack-off?

   Dear Life...Would you at least start using lubricant....