Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   20 selfies of your meltdown or it didn't happen.

   Paying taxes is why middle class America can't have nice things

   Of course I care about you, I put my d*ck in your mouth didn't I? - Men

   I look so young for my rage.

   Don't worry, I got your back. And your ass. And a little in your hair too.

   Get close so I can push you away. ~ humans

   Kids today will never appreciate how difficult it used to be finding pictures of naked people.

   I didn't have enough closet space so I bought a treadmill.

   Now that Microsoft's Steve Ballmer has bought the Clippers, I wonder if he will release a new version every few years that we all hate.

   Your profile pic is good in bed.

   LeBron James just got a new endorsement deal with Midol

   this cocaine cut with flour? Because I'm gluten free and very heath conscious.

   My sex drive is manual

   [Russian class] Um, why did I fail this test? Teacher: You just wrote in English and added "ski" to the end of the words... I knowski.

   Does it count as necrophilia if she's just dead inside?

   This glue seems to have an awful lot of Chrome flakes in it

   I don't like Instagram. It reminds me that somewhere people are doing stuff. I just don't need that kind of pressure.

   Will children of the future be nostalgic about grandpa's Axe Body Spray, fauxhawk and body waxing strips?

   Someone needs to tell all the other horses that its CC's birthday today.

   Would using 2 Sleepy Time Tea bags instead of 1 be conscidered over-medicating? Asking for a friend.