Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?

   it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message is like looking directly into the sun?

   Relationship status: My sex toys have 2 drawers now.

   If you wear pants in your own home why did you even buy a house

   Relationship status: Throwing stones at couples in the park.

   Morning wood starts the best fire.

   Gay joke in three, two, One Direction.

   "You suck! No, you suck!!" - Two women in a threesome

   Hello? Hey, sorry for calling so late. It's Dorothy. From the internet. Facebook. Sorry, I just... was that status about me?

   You do not scare me ugly little black french fry.

   Imagine someone trying to tell you really bad news, but behind them all you see is a midget chasing a butterfly.

   Sorry I can't make it to your event. I came down with a bad case of I hate you.

   I don't carry a gun, but I do carry an uncomfortable amount of eye contact.

   A V-neck so deep it teaches a philosophy class at the local community college.

   There was a spider in my truck so I very carefully turned my hazard lights on and drove off a bridge.

   Your lips are saying, "yes" but your lazy eye is saying, "Ooooooooh what is that over theeerrrreee???"

   My bucket list: 4 drumsticks, 2 thighs, 2 mashed potatoes with gravy, and 2 biscuits. Extra crispy

   if I hang bat stuff all over my "man cave", will I have a "bat man cave"? .....Alfred, get me a drink

   If news about a movie being made upsets you, why not work out your anger by getting out your oils and painting a masterpiece.

   I dream of a universe where world leaders rush to comment on entertainment news as quickly as entertainers rush to comment on world affairs.