Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   MOM,,, Even the Cookie Monster WON'T EAT AN OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   Why can't people tolerate a touch of their own medicine?

   You'll know right away what they want. You'll just pretend you don't.

   Justin Bieber was "Baptized" last night.... Or as the church likes to call it... "A failed attempt to drown Bieber"

   I'd much rather crash the bachelor party than the wedding.

   I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.

   When did Marie Osmond become a Dietician?

   Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.

   I wanted to put an England flag up outside my house but couldn't find one anywhere, luckily the old french soldier who lives next door gave me his flag and I just painted a red cross on it!

   iOS 8 let's you passcode lock specific apps? It's fun imagining how many break ups that will cause

   Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter. I don't even know who's party it was!

   some women wud rather stay in a bad relationship because starting over and not being able to fart around the new guy sucks.

   Just got a message from Jaheem Kofi, the kid I'm feeding for $.50 a day in Ivory Coast... he wants his NY Ranger 2014 Stanley Cup Champions T-shirt in small.

   And in the news today, Justin Bieber has yet to be shot in a drive by. . .

   What's the recommended age to teach your child that Google has every answer to their homework?

   Hey ladies, wtf is wrong with a selfie with just a normal smile??

   When bad things happen to good people, I usually try to take a picture with my phone.

   Leaving some stones unturned is just fine with me.

   I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.