Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Of course my attitude is good when you do as I say

   Weekend settings activated, please don't call unless if its alcohol, food, fun, alcohol, fun and food again. All problems deferred to Monday...

   Don't you hate it when people answer their own questions? I do.

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering on Orlando Bloom as he tried to punch Justin Bieber is enough for him to earn his Oscar in my books.

   Have you tried not taking another selfie?

   The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.

   Come over here and I’ll show you what the girl I cheated on you with did in bed.

   If you find a kitten & it licks your face, it's your new kitten. I know this because that's how I met my wife.

   I'm not saying it's a bad idea to bring an Ebola patient to Atlanta, I'm saying everyone should leave Atlanta because I've seen this movie....

   I'm a Man......The world is my urinal.

   How much are these anti-depressants? Sir, that's a 12 pack.

   We never really grow up, we just learn how to act in public

   Yesterday there was a water main break right next to UCLA. Water was shooting out of the ground for four hours before it was turned off. They say 20 million gallons of water flooded the campus. I didn't even know L.A. had that much water.

   glory hole one word or two? I want this email to my new boss to be perfect.

   *shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."

   I can’t date a woman who talks in her sleep. That’s all the standards I have. You can have one boob or hairy nipples and I will still get with you. Just shut up when you sleep.

   where there’s a will, the dead guy was probably rich.

   you sing about how you shot a b*tch and did cocaine, but when I download your music from the internet I’m the one doing something illegal?

   some people build walls to see who cares enough to bring them down, others build walls because they’re in the construction industry.

   “we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.