Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi

   I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.

   Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   White girls who don't get naked when you're drunk.. Explain yourselves.

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer.

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.

   I couldn't afford to visit the zoo, so I went to the trailer park instead.

   Imagine how much pride you'll feel being eaten by lions.

   My analysis reveals that, via his crafty use of the double negative,,, Ray Parker Jr was, in fact,, afraid of *some* ghosts.

   I was wondering if I go on a Banana diet, will I end up throwing my feces like a gorilla does. . .

   Long story short I can't get these pet rocks to mate and now I'm under major pressure from my investors.

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.