Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1857 of 6386
I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
FACT: I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
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06-11-2014 19:09 by Huck
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"Hey Bro, wanna go to lunch?" Sorry I can't, I'm on the Govt. Lunch Program....can't afford to eat :/
Whenever I silently fart in bed I always ask the wife if she smells popcorn so she will take a big whiff looking for the popcorn smell...I'm just evil like that.
Looks like Eric Cantor was defeated by some Brat.
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06-11-2014 09:49
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Just in time for the Summer, UKIP is set to launch a new range of tents. They're like normal tents but without any poles...
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06-11-2014 08:57
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BBC News: "A body has been found in a fridge freezer with all body parts separated. The police are treating this case as suspicious."
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06-11-2014 08:49
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Here's a list of the things I have to look forward to today: 1. - 2. - 3. 4. - 5. Drinking after work
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06-11-2014 08:45
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Sex so good you forget to take a selfie.
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06-11-2014 08:23 by Baddie
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"It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.
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06-11-2014 08:22 by SEAN
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"How much for the rosary?" "Sir, those are an@l beads."
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06-11-2014 08:19
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It's been so long since I've gone to church, I couldn't even tell you what year God wrote the bible.
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06-11-2014 08:18
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You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. I don't have to agree with you to like you. I like good sensible people and if you are good people with common sense, I like you!
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06-11-2014 00:45
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You're like the abacus of people. No one counts on you anymore.
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06-11-2014 00:35
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Listen, you're a great girl. I'm sure you'll find the right filter for your selfies someday.
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06-11-2014 00:32 by Baddie
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The first thing I do in a relationship is panic.
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06-11-2014 00:30 by Czovczov
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The closest I get to exercising is buying running shoes online
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06-11-2014 00:30
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How was I to know you were tying your shoelaces and not proposing?
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06-11-2014 00:29 by Sandy
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I remember when the NBA was full of basketball players and not academy award whiners
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06-10-2014 23:02
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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline,,, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on her wall again.
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06-10-2014 21:52 by snotty
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