Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always tip the delivery guy an extra $5 if he doesn't look around for the other 4 people all this pizza would feed.

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   You sound happily in a relationship. UNFRIEND...BLOCK...UNFOLLOWED.

   If you don't have anything nice to say, I hope it's about someone I hate.

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   Well, I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say NO diggity...

   Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.

   I want a girl who's a Kanye West in the streets and a Kanye West in the sheets. - Kanye West

   We had it all Just like Bogie and Bacall Sailing away to Key Largo Here's lookin' at you kid RIP

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night burn the Kindle at both ends.

   Naked and Afraid also describes the last time I spent a night at a Holiday Inn

   It seems as if I come across the most scary spiders while I'm in the bathroom. For that, I am somewhat grateful

   I think you have a deficiency in vitamin me.

   The first assembly instruction for all IKEA furniture should be open 1 beer.

   When people ask me Plz because it’s shorter than please, I tell them no because it’s shorter than yes.

   "If EVERYTHING tastes like us,,, Why do WE have to die then"????..... CHICKENS

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   Why can't I wake up to some good news for a change? Like hearing that Justin Bieber and the whole Kardashian Clan perished in a plane accident?

   I wonder if Michael Jackson doctor had anything to do with it

   He's not really dead, he's trapped in the jungle waiting for some to roll an 5 or 8