Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kiss of death is what happens after the "I do's"

   Hitchhikers won't kill you if you kill them first.

   Sorry, but the lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock. Please select another...

   The music stopped for a second in the strip club and everyone heard me opening my Velcro wallet.

   Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

   When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

   The best thing about drinking wine in a box is when you finish it, you can unfold the box and break dance on it....

   Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

   I don't even pick up the soap after I drop it in my own shower. There's just something about me I don't trust.

   It's ok, other ethnic groups. I'm afraid of drunk white chicks, too.

   The Brown Bear is similar to the Black Bear in most respects, however the Black Bear has a slightly more intricate handshake.

   I'm in therapy to learn how to deal with people who should be in therapy

   Dogs are a man's best friend because they don't talk.

   I'm sorry for what I said before I had my coffee.

   Do not mess with bears. You'll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes?,,, That's right - a victim

   How to solve all the children crossing the southern border illegally, put all the registered sex offenders and pedifiles there to give them candy and greet them!

   facebook has allowed me to bring my "he's a distraction to the rest of the class" from school to a global scale

   ..... Begining to think that Obama's official Border policy is to draw a Red Line in the sand along the Southern border.

   Dear McDonalds cashier, dont give me that look. There’s no age limit on a happy meal. And don’t forget the toy!

   They need to create an app to let you know if someone is a freak. I mean crazy for those thinking nasty. Get your mind out the gutter