Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've worked really hard in my life to not have to hang out with vegans

   BOSS: In my office, now! ME: *to myself* dont be about Facebook dont be about Facebook BOSS: We've had a sexual harassment complaint ME: Oh thank God!

   Wanna know about people you don't need in you life? Post something with a misspelling and see how fast they "must" correct you

   How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?

   Asked my wife if she would be my friend on FB again, she said no. She said my "funny" status updates are annoying. Therefore, I must conclude she loves me for my body...

   WTF Domino's, a cookie pizza sound way better than chicken with $hit on it!!

   The O.J. Simpson chase: The slowest whyte Bronco since John Elway.

   Another phrase/saying I do not understand : Some people are real a$$holes. Is that any different from a fake a$$hole. . .

   I often wonder about people who say : Feels like I am wearing a diaper. I am curious is that something they practice in private. . .

   who cares when the next full moon happens

   October 13, 2000 was the last full moon on Friday the 13th. The next will be October 13, 2049. Check your facts SULLY.

   Sometimes you can get noticed by using wit and charm. Other times, stare in their window. Staring in their window always gets you noticed.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   The best way to remember someone's name is to slap them

   Wondering if celebrities hang pictures in their homes of famous restaurant owners.

   Some mermaids never marry, they just end up with like 200 catfish.

   Luke Skywalker never found a girlfriend because he was looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Email your congressman and demand recognition for Precedents Day! So what if we never had one before.

   Just got more spam from AmishGuy -- I am starting to wonder if it's legit.

   I've had no trouble feeding my boa constrictor since I found those free kittens on Craiglist.