Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not now, Life. I have fake people to impress on the Internet.

   I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy

   You're really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women

   When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

   I feel so old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90s

   I only kissed you for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom: Man rule # 1 - If there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1, don't come park it at urinal #2! Your man card is suspended

   Crocs have holes in em so your dignity can escape.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree, but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car

   That moment when you do or say something cool and then spend the rest of the day replaying the moment over in your head

   Titanic be like: I nominate all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenege

   @nbcagt: "I once got trapped on an escalator when the power went out and I was scared for my life!"

   A family reunion with NO alcholol? What is the point?

   The news always showing pictures of these thugs when they were little kids is like a girl who has a profile picture when she was a hundred pounds lighter.

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.

   I nominate all passengers for the ice bucket challenge. Sincerely, The Titanic

   Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!!!

   My girlfriend is about to do this ice water bucket challenge. She don't know yet though she's still in bed