Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have witnessed some of the greatest friendships forged over a blunt and I have also witnessed some of the fakest friendships forged over a bible.

   Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $700,000 EVERY DAY! That’s $29,166 per hour. That’s $486 every minute. That’s $8.10 every second. WHY DO WE KEEP MAKING IDIOTS RICH & FAMOUS? WHY OH WHY LORD?

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the Chief or Police is always bl@ck.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that the fat kid always plays catcher.

   However lonely you feel, you’re never alone… There are literally millions of bugs, mites, and bacteria living in your house.

   I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.

   Justin Bieber Bragged That Miranda Kerr "Made Him a Man," Didn't know Miranda Kerr is a doctor specializing in pen*s transplantation.

   Honey, I did the cutest thing while you were at work. I renamed "My Documents" folder on your computer to "Our Documents"

   Some of my strongest friendships started with a blunt

   You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking.

   I like people the most when I'm by myself.

   How much for the love drug? Sir, that's chloroform

   You can always tell how wealthy a black dude is by how much white he wears

   maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.

   "I don't know what youre talking about, he's nice to me" - somebody in the eraly 1940s Germany, talking about Hitler.

   1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   How to get along with your spouse: Don't have one.

   If I've learned anything from movies, it's that most murder cases are only solved after a detective is suspended but ignores the suspension.

   you’re a grown man who gets erections. what business do you have saying sh*t like “it’s my birthday month”?