Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marraige is a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child which cannot be handled by his parents anymore...

   In case if emergency, your seat cushion may be used to choke that annoying crying baby closest to you.

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   If he doesn't with the Super Bowl this year with the Jets. Rex Ryan asked Bill Belichick to sell him one of his Super Bowl rings. . .

   If you're so damn smart, why aren't you rich?

   I'm no race car driver, but I haven't killed anyone this week. Yet...

   anyone else having technical problems on Facebook? Just checking before I call 911...

   Oh no, you're not going to try and cheer me up, are you?

   Breasts are like a model train set. They were originally meant for children, but fathers always want to play with them.

   I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it.

   I better get some sleep. These spiders aren’t going to eat themselves.

   not sure who is the bigger ahole the guy who uses a blinker and dosent turn or the one who dosent use one and turns.

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

   Hey Spotify, safe for work does not translate to safe for my masculinity when Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me, goes blaring through the shop. It probably didn't help that I knew all the words and the dance from the video either.

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.