Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   Cavs agree to Love trade". Oh, so THAT'S how they can afford to pay both Lebron and Kyrie!

   I don't know what the big deal is about this whole Love trade thing. Its nothing new! Isn't that the world's oldest profession?

   At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?

   A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

   You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi

   I left my phone at home all day today. Is the sky always blue like that?

   Objects in the selfie are way sadder than they appear.

   Behind every great woman there is a man who loves doggystyle.

   my superpower is getting tired after doing nothing

   White girls who don't get naked when you're drunk.. Explain yourselves.

   My favorite in-laws are the ones that don't exist.

   pizza will never tell you to apologize to your mother in law

   If I get murdered at any given time...my chalk outline will be holding a beer.

   Old people sure have a way of making eating look sad.

   Well well well, if it isn't the girl who escaped from my trunk.

   Anyone who isn't schizophrenic these days isn't thinking clearly.

   I couldn't afford to visit the zoo, so I went to the trailer park instead.