Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   When a chicken crosses the road it is poultry in motion.

   I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps

   My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn’t like it when I use other toothpastes.

   Most books on witchcraft will tell you that witches work naked. This is because most books on witchcraft were written by men

   Let me drink about it and get back to you.

   Have you ever noticed that the people you'd like to say "Go to H ell!" to are almost always the kind of people who'd ask for detailed directions?

   Common sense says I shouldn't put it in there *puts it in there*

   Another successful year no random father's day cards in the mail!!!

   Remember, Bibles are for reading and not waving.

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   My girlfriend does this cute lil thing where she pretends like she's not my girlfriend and screams "help me" everytime I open my trunk.

   It's all good to be a religious person.. Just do it way over there... Away from me

   In hell, you actually look like the first selfie you take.

   Relationship status: "Yeah, we can totally go out, but first, I need you to take this short spelling test."

   Doing stuff is the root of all evil.

   Wait. The US has a soccer team?

   If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.

   Breast Cancer Awareness t-shirt: "Yes they're fake, My real ones tried to kill me!"

   A midget fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police say there is a small medium at large.