Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   a group of 5 white basketball players is called a "loss"

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   Watching my favorite show. "Keeping Up With Obamas Lies"

   That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.

   Behind every successful woman is a man staring at her butt.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a selfie, especially a bathroom mirror selfie... Seriously stop it, you're embarrassing yourself!

   Whenever I see a piece of gum in a urinal it makes me cringe. I just can't imagine the pain that caused on the way out! And also how does it not come out like silly string?

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering Orlando Bloom on as he was trying to punch Justin Bieber in the face is reason enough for me to like two of the three people named here.

   Justin Bieber aka "Douche Nizzel" says Miranda Kerr made him a man... I didn't know she was able to perform such a specialized operation on such a fragile looking little girl. Man do I hate "celebrities"!

   *interrupts doctor* so, let's say I do wash these pills down with 8 beers.

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"