Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I walked a mile their shoes and I didn't end up carrying a flat screen 50" TV out of a closed store in Ferguson.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   Ice Bucket Challenge = Monkey see Monkey Do

   Not now, Life. I have fake people to impress on the Internet.

   I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy

   You're really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women

   When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

   I feel so old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90s

   I only kissed you for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom: Man rule # 1 - If there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1, don't come park it at urinal #2! Your man card is suspended

   Crocs have holes in em so your dignity can escape.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree, but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car

   That moment when you do or say something cool and then spend the rest of the day replaying the moment over in your head

   Titanic be like: I nominate all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenege

   @nbcagt: "I once got trapped on an escalator when the power went out and I was scared for my life!"

   A family reunion with NO alcholol? What is the point?

   The news always showing pictures of these thugs when they were little kids is like a girl who has a profile picture when she was a hundred pounds lighter.

   A gaggle of geese... A murder of crows... A nope of laundry.