Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge

   A pine cone in laying on the bottom of the pool looks like something much more troubling.

   My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   Whenever I see people lined up outside a club on Friday night, I just think "look at all these poor people who don't know Netflix exists."

   I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them

   Amongst all the beautiful women in this world.. There's always an idiot ex-boyfriend, who still expects her love again.

   FACT: 10 out of 10 people will eventually die.. Probably not a bad idea to give Jesus a try... Just saying

   Get your popcorn ready! It's Movie Night in Ferguson again!!

   I'm yet to see hot chics do the Ice Bucket challenge in a t-shirt. Come on ladies...I'm waiting.

   Wouldn't it be ironic if dousing with cold water caused cancer??

   A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.

   Hi, i'll have a venti cafe mocha vodka val!um latte to go please! Me at the Starbucks Barista.

   "Excuse me, are you using this mirror?" - Me, at the gym

   Can I have your cyber-attention please ?

   Johnny bravo has taught me a great deal about how to deal with rejection.

   It's the perfect time to replace ALS with Ebola.

   A bucket of ice water is no challenge. Now, a bucket of s#it from a portajohn is a challenge. . .

   Hello? Yes, I would like to cancel those vacation plans to beautiful Ferguson, MO.