Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •••note to self•••- Remember to take half pack of M&Ms out of pocket before washing and drying said pants.

   That felon whose mugshot has women swooning over him is proof enough that women are crazy and perverts too.

   A Virginia woman on Tuesday graduated high school at the age of 111. She’s the first person to graduate high school and have her whole life behind her.

   "I'm gonna poke everyone's girlfriend and wife just to see who responds.." wait for it...

   Hey ghetto people. Us educated people like the following. CUZ=Because. WIT=With. #=If your older grow up.

   So....the Patent Office ruled that the Washington Redskins name is offensive.... if I was the owner, I would keep the name the same and change the mascot to a potato!! The Washington Redskin Potatos

   I like to finish all of my drive thru orders with, "And that's for here."

   It is only murder if they find a body. Otherwise, it is just a missing person.

   a little shake .. a little tingle.. a little shake.. a little tingle.

   I like my woman like my beer. Silent.

   While attempting to pick up broads in the supermarket it helps to pose as a pharmacist with a banana in your pants

   If you ever think that English is not a shtty language, just remember that read and lead rhyme, and read and lead rhyme, but read and lead don't rhyme, and neither do read and lead

   If I've learned anything about picking up woman at the super market it's to stay away from those in the tampon isle.

   Every time I hear a mean joke about being Canadian, I go to the hospital and get my feelings checked.............................For Free!!

   Let me be the first to say, I don't give a fly monkey kcuf the Kardashians are back. . .

   An app that displays the word "Yo" on a freinds lock screen... and that's all it does has raised over $1 million. In related news, I no longer want to live on this planet anymore.

   *looks at packaging for Pillsbury Choc Chip Cookies... "May contain raw eggs"... *Rocky theme plays as I squeeze entire tube down my throat

   i finally saw a girl in person on facebook, so I immediately went home and took back my likes

   There is no I in TEAM. But if you rearrange the letters there is a ME.

   Debt collectors calling you? They dont call ME anymore after I answer the phone “Homicide, Detective Smith speaking, please give me your full name and direct affiliation with the victim who’s phone you’ve just called.” Problem solved!