Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   Hey, people who only order one drink at last call. What's it like to be a quitter?

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   Learn to carry your heaven with you. I mean learn to carry your liquor with you. Same thing anyways.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a food pantry, looking for something to put melted cheese on.

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   My pet rock didn't wake up this this morning....gonna have to bury it.

   The ice cream truck in my neighbourhood plays Helter Skelter

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...

   The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!

   I got pulled over by a lady cop. I asked her what's wrong and she snapped back "NOTHING!"

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?

   You would think with all the ice water laying all over the world, it would be a lot cooler...

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to mouth* it to her....

   Or the constipated math teacher. He has to work it out with a pencil.

   And then there was the blind prostitute. You really have to hand it to her....

   Keep it down kids!.. Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.