Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Great canned tuna fish recipe: 1-Open can of tuna fish 2-Sit can on floor 3-Yell; kitty, kitty, kitty. 4: Now, go order a pizza.

   There's anxious, then there's me,, trying to get my tires lined up on the tracks at the car wash

   Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results isn't the definition of insanity,,, it's the definition of parenting.

   Shhhhh! I can't hear about how God spoke to you! I'm busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

   Hey Spotify, safe for work does not translate to safe for my masculinity when Backstreet Boys - As Long As You Love Me, goes blaring through the shop. It probably didn't help that I knew all the words and the dance from the video either.

   If you think people are stupid, randomly post "Happy Birthday" wishes on peoples FB page and see how many others tell them happy birthday.

   Dude! Just watched that show ghost hunters and dude! I definitely need to figure out how I can get that time I wasted back

   Smokey Bear just celebrated his 70th birthday. Smokey bear is 70. Can you believe he's that old? Smoky says he puts out fires by waking up seven times a night and peeing on them!

   Facebook. The lost and found for people. . .

   If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not mean to poor people, like I am now.

   Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture

   No Grandma, EBOLA is not a new perfume from Kim Kardashian

   No, the tear drop tattoo doesn't mean I killed someone. I just like people to know that I'm sad when I'm sober.

   I always tip the delivery guy an extra $5 if he doesn't look around for the other 4 people all this pizza would feed.

   Don't be insensitive and call her trailer park trash when modular home trash sounds so much better...

   You sound happily in a relationship. UNFRIEND...BLOCK...UNFOLLOWED.

   If you don't have anything nice to say, I hope it's about someone I hate.

   I just wanna be the reason your therapist can afford to buy a Mercedes

   Well, I wouldn't exactly go so far as to say NO diggity...

   Somewhere the socks and Tupperware lids are throwing a hell of a party.