Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...

   Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.

   Tony Stewart just announced he has Parkinson's Disease too.

   if you sneeze near an atheist they just ignore you because they know its just a natural phenomenon.

   Robin Williams dies and suddenly Facebook is full of people with medical & psychology degrees

   Marraige is a fancy word for adopting an overgrown male child which cannot be handled by his parents anymore...

   In case if emergency, your seat cushion may be used to choke that annoying crying baby closest to you.

   Sorry I ran you over,, but on a positive note, I get 50 extra points if I'm not mistaken, and that gets me another free guy... So there's that

   Checked myself for ticks but I didn't hear anything.

   "Frosted Flakes is a part of this complete breakfast,,, which is also complete if you remove the Frosted Flakes."

   If he doesn't with the Super Bowl this year with the Jets. Rex Ryan asked Bill Belichick to sell him one of his Super Bowl rings. . .

   If you're so damn smart, why aren't you rich?

   I'm no race car driver, but I haven't killed anyone this week. Yet...

   anyone else having technical problems on Facebook? Just checking before I call 911...

   Oh no, you're not going to try and cheer me up, are you?

   Breasts are like a model train set. They were originally meant for children, but fathers always want to play with them.

   I got to work late this morning, so I guess I'll have to leave early to make up for it.

   I better get some sleep. These spiders aren’t going to eat themselves.

   not sure who is the bigger ahole the guy who uses a blinker and dosent turn or the one who dosent use one and turns.