Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To do list: Cancel date with Hope Solo.

   Some people spend their whole life searching....I spend it trying to keep a straight face.

   Every once in a while you come across a tweet that makes you stop and wonder, if monkeys now also have tweeter accounts.

   Which came first. . . social media or dumb people? AND which is worse. . . the overdoing of selfies OR not knowing how to use the English language?

   Kim Kardashian is back in the studio, working on an album? She's turning her sex tape into a musical?

   Pope Francis denounces the Mafia. Talk about the kettle calling the pot black.

   Washington can just change their mascot to a potato. Problem solved.

   Dan Snyder finally agreed that the name Washington Redskins is offensive, so from now on they'll be known simply as the Redskins.

   The friend zone is just another place to have sex

   I can't wait to meet that special someone who I will eventually stop having sex with.

   You just know Quentin Tarantino has killed at least one hooker.

   Re the World Cup: Instead of wars how about countries settle their disputes with a soccer game? After all, they usually end up in a riot anyhow.

   I'll be right with you, I'm busy being inappropriate on the internet.

   "So who wants to get arrested tonight?" - Alcohol

   I don't have anxiety, as much as internal chaos.

   Women who claim their favorite TV show is Keeping Up With The Kardashians, are just confessing they'll give blow jobs for a shopping spree.

   I'm at my sexiest when I unhinge my jaw to eat a burger

   Sex so good she didn't even wake up.

   When you look at the time left on a movie and you start panicking because you feel there’s still so much left to do and so little time left.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes you'll wind up at the bar.