Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?

   we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

   Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It's their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.

   If at first you don't succeed then maybe skydiving isn't your thing.

   Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"

   The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   31 States, 1618 Languages, 6 Major Religions, 29 National Festivals, 1 Country!! Happy Independence Day INDIA

   This Herbal Essences body spray isn't working like I had hoped.

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...

   Poodles are just dogs that listened to too much Kenny G.

   Tony Stewart just announced he has Parkinson's Disease too.

   if you sneeze near an atheist they just ignore you because they know its just a natural phenomenon.