Funny Status Messages

   No means no, except through duct tape. It sounds a lot like yes.

   If I hit my breaks hard, automatically let the hazard lights go off! - future car makers!!

   I impress people by referring to my friends or followers as my "entourage" and my status updates as my "portfolio". In return, people refer to me as a "d*ck".

   I bet there's a rapper trying to figure out a way to replace his teeth with LED lights

   My Wife woke me up at 3:00AM for some fun. So here I am at CVS buying batteries.

   Ladies always think I'm staring at them because I think they're hot. That's not true. I'm staring at them because I'm creepy.

   My small-town police dept has 2 armored vehicles and a grenade launcher just in case someone forgets to pay for their Caramel Macchiato.

   I hate it when a couple starts kissing in front of you, and because you don't know what to do, you just join in with the kissing

   I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.

   *buys 3D printer,,,,,, still can't make friends*

   Dear Santa, please help my dad find some milk and cigarettes so he can finally come home

   Am I the only one sad that Nick Cannon and his Mom are breaking up?

   WebMD says this thing on my back is called a Wife, and, left untreated, it is usually fatal.

   When I want to break up with a person, I wait until they're sitting in my car, then I press the button that disables the passenger air bag.

   Million dollar idea: Vasectomy booth at Disney World exit.

   I know they say cell phones have more germs then toilets,,,,,, But I'm just not tasting that much of a difference

   Anxiety: The poor man's colon cleanse.

   Million dollar idea: Make 2 million then get married.

   I'm ABSOLUTELY positive I'd accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.

   My wife just nominated me for the "would it kill you to refill the ice trays every once in a while" challenge?