Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If Ray Rice and Jay-Z have taught me anything this year it's just take the stairs…forget those elevators

   I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.

   So now that I've failed to find Jennifer Lawrence's leaked photos/nudes, I've decided to respect her privacy.

   I'm behind in my time traveling project. Or am I?

   it wrong to poke a friend with a facebook status of, "Ending it all, standing on the edge of a cliff?" Asking for a friend.

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice.

   I think Ceelo Green released the Ray Rice tape

   I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....

   When our dog, Brittany, was just a puppy, I had to teach her how to drink water from a bowl. My wife was concerned that the water wasn't very clean. I assured her that it was... I flushed it three times.

   Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!

   After seeing Solange and Ray Rice videos, I'm going to start taking the stairs. Elevator are too dangerous.

   You all need to listen to Ray Rice cover Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator". Its going to be a bit hit.

   An Allen wrench is just a wrench that tucks his sweater vest into his khakis and cc's your boss on every email reply.

   I got to remember not to say "nailed it" around Jesus when he returns

   You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.

   I'm playing a girl in fantasy FB this week, I have to pick up ray rice, he gives me the best opportunity to beat her.

   "Filmed in front of a live studio audience"? I guess thats better than in front of a bunch of zombies.

   If God gave you a good singing voice you should sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice you should sing loud in church to get even.

   Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.