Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm starting to think I overuse exclamation points. It ends today. Right now. I'll never ever use one again. I'm so excited about it. Yes.

   It was a Hoax, Now ugly, homely, disfigured people may return to eatting at KFC !!!

   Have you noticed the words: Happy and Horny each have six letters like the number six has an x in it just like the word sex. Coincidence, I think not. . .

   Who are you and why do I have to read about your workout and eating routine every day on Facebook?

   I believe I'm now at the age where wishing for something really hard and pooping your pants is pretty much the same thing ツ

   I have a beard and tattoos why are you still wearing panties? Yes, I want fries. No, I don't want a receipt. Stop changing the subject.

   My sex tape is just several camera angles of me getting friend zoned.

   98% of the heat fans just opted out too.

   My flirting checklist 1 Eye Contact 2 Throw you in the trunk of my car 3 4 5 I guess I only have two moves. Flirting is super hard.

   The only problem I have is behaving

   If LaBron is really serious about winning he would sign with the Harlem Globetrotters

   Sweep her off her feet guys. Chicks are really impressed with UFC skills

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   Kanye looks lovingly at Kim... "Thank you for coming to my wedding."

   I think you missed your true calling as a pinata.

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation, so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G".

   “You make me a better person.” - Me talking to my cup of coffee.

   If you see a porcupine in your yard don't panic, it's just my cat and we're not done with our acupuncture session.

   Turns out, my get rich painfully slow scheme isn't working out, either