Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate people that say "Only God can judge me"... No, I'm pretty sure I can judge you too. Climb down off your high horse where you belong Pocahontas!!

   I like animal puns. They make me laugh until I am horse.

   january 2014: "this will be my year" august 2014: "I swear 2015 will be my year"

   Nothing says "I'm behind on child support." like 26" spinning rims on an 86 Chevy Malibu.

   I'm sorry, I'll be busy this weekend walking around my house with mini alcohol bottles and fun size candy bars pretending I'm a giant.

   People who get drunk after one beer: what's it like, being criminally insane?

   Hey, people who only order one drink at last call. What's it like to be a quitter?

   I'm not sure which is worse: People who try to force their religion onto you. Or people who insist on telling you about their daily horoscope.

   Learn to carry your heaven with you. I mean learn to carry your liquor with you. Same thing anyways.

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a food pantry, looking for something to put melted cheese on.

   "Figuratively ain't no sunshine but the actual sun continues to warm Earth when she's gooone" -Bill Withers, concerned about starting panic

   If I’ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die

   Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed on them

   New Rule: If I hold the door open for you and you walk by without thanking me I am guaranteed at least one attempt at trying to trip you.

   My pet rock didn't wake up this this morning....gonna have to bury it.

   The ice cream truck in my neighbourhood plays Helter Skelter

   Mariah and Nick announced their split. In other news, no one gives a $hit...

   The Ice Bucket Challenge was such a great idea last week!! This week...not so much!!

   I got pulled over by a lady cop. I asked her what's wrong and she snapped back "NOTHING!"

   why don't people do a "taser challenge" next & see what its like for epileptic people to suddenly have your arms & legs moving around uncontrollably?