Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you see Pharrell’s hat you understand how he’d be happy in a room without a roof.

   relationship status: LOL

   Whenever I'm leaving the work bathroom and I see the cleaning lady waiting, we exchange the knowing look that I just crapped in her office

   If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I'm trying to say is, you look like Shrek

   Here's a little pro tip for ya, it doesn't have to be your birthday to buy a birthday cake. They'll just sell it to you no questions asked.

   Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore I was wearing one but I was still shot by the woman's husband

   America. Even when we lose, we still win..... USA!!

   FIFA, the world soccer governing body, says the guy who did the biting has to wear one of those dog cones for the rest of the tournament....

   To settle an argument, think about why you are wrong and why she has boobs.

   How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?

   My thigh gap brings all the boys to the yard and they're like "standing with your feet 5 feet apart isn't a thigh gap."

   Yoga pants should be regulated. Excuse me ma'am, license and registration please

   I will be a functioning member of society today -calls in sick

   I wish I loved anything as much as women love telling other women "that's perfectly normal" without any medical training whatsoever.

   " How much for that bouncy castle " Sir that's a woman

   I got to work late this morning so I have to leave early to make up for it.

   "You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.

   Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat........