Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   I let my 4 yr old watch Ghostbusters last week & now she has nightmares. What part of "I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts" did she not understand?!

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.

   Of course I said NO but I totally meant YES, idiot. ~Women

   If there is anything to learn from celebrities is. Do not take nude photos of yourself. The FBI had better things to do. . .

   The pharmacist asked if I had any questions so I asked where he lived and where he keeps his office keys

   Imagine a person who really loves hearing you talk. Now go talk to THAT person.

   I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave

   Whoever named pterodactyls is pterrible at naming things

   Drinking hasn't killed me, so it must be making me stronger

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.

   My favote colleges are Ball State and Bring 'em Young.

   When I grow up, I wanna be the guy in the fluffy suit that police dogs attack!!!

   Just changed my iTunes password to "password".... and now I just have to wait for all of my nudes to be leaked.

   Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.

   My favorite collage is Morehead State, my favorite fish is the suckerfish and my favorite bird is the swallow. Are you taking notes ladies?