Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If a woman doesn't like a man using a coupon on the first date, she should offer to pay.

   I have never in my life seen a Tattoo and said "wow, that looks classy" All a tattoo is, is a "LOOK AT ME" statement

   If I'm ever in a coma, please don't try to wake me. I'm doing what I love.

   Curling irons come with a warning label saying "For external use only." OK, now which of you sick women made that necessary?

   If I'm ever on life support and just being kept alive machines, please unplug me and plug me back in. Basically, reboot my body.

   YOLO. Because stupid people don't know what Carpe Diem means.

   I said to the nurse "You're such a nice person. Will you come visit me when I'm out of the hospital?" She said "Well, I would except graveyards are such creepy places." FML.

   "Second coat my ass! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that there is soul mate out there for all of us. What if your soulmate existed at a different timeline, and you missed each other by 2 centuries?

   And that attracts men who like a woman who doesn't spit. . .

   75% of women who smoke swallow. . .

   You know what? Some countries used to SCREEN applicants who were applying for citizenship, and wouldn't allow those who had even the SLIGHTEST ties to extremist groups ENTRY into their lands.

   A woman who smokes automatically becomes 75% less attractive to most guys.

   Ice bucket challenge: als foundation admits less than 27% of donations fund research and cures

   "kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem

   Don’t be stupid, if their ex is still calling its because they’re still getting an answer.

   The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single last one of them.

   Most stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money.

   When my phone dies and I don’t have a charger, I might as well be Amish.

   Girls cant find their wallets, shoes or car keys but they sure as hell can remember something you said 8 months ago