Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I ask, "when are you due" with impunity because fat chicks can't run very fast, anyway.

   The mile high club is bullsh*t unless you're both anorexic!!

   The stain in the front of women's panties is called "clitty litter."

   Now that they found this missing boy in the basement of his own home, I have to ask: Has anyone recently checked the tarmac for Malaysia Airlines Flight 370?

   People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...

   If someone invites you hunting don't ever fall for the" put on this antler hat. It will attract deer."

   DATING TIP: Date me

   Fact: Men that drink wine coolers increase their chances of getting a yeast infection by 99.9999%.

   SILF - Sorry Liver Its Friday

   be careful what you post online because future employers might see it and want to hang out with you because you’re so cool

   The only thing that puts me off gym is the fear of becoming too buff.

   If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.

   So Ronaldo & Friends, sorry I mean Portugal got knocked out of the world cup last night.

   No women in their soccer team. Typical Iran.

   "Describe yourself in three words" "Lazy"

   How to cook the perfect amount of pasta: 1. Pour out how much you think you need 2. Wrong

   Just watched Kill Bill volume 1, couldn't hear a thing.

   In honor of the 25th anniversary of Tim Burton's Batman, a gentle reminder that his batmobile required a grappling hook to make a left turn.

   A new study says schizophrenia and pot smoking are genetically linked — but don't worry, another study says you're just being paranoid.

   I've set my "life goals" to stuff I've already done so literally every day now I'm overachieving. It's all about perspective.