Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Posted 14 hours ago Walked by a child clutching a stuffed animal. The kid made the stuffed animal's paw wave at me & now I'm finding it hard to hate everything.

   If someone gossips to you, you can bet they also gossip about you...

   For very action there is an equal and opposite government program.

   Obama is now googling "Can an executive order override Supreme Court?"

   The thing's you think of when its 1:30 in the morning What if carpet grew like grass and every once in a while you would have to mow the lounge room

   DUI attorneys should buy some ad space on those Taco Bell hot sauce packets.

   Stop acting like you don't care. I'm starting to believe you.

   What doesn't kill me makes my wife go back to the drawing board and try just a little harder the next time.

   POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.

   Best worm parent advice... Try to sleep in kids.

   It's time once again for Americans to celebrate our independence by combining explosives and large amounts of alcohol.

   Life's a piano and I'm playing it wearing boxing gloves.

   Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn't know you did that for fun.

   Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

   You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

   Cat hair is lonely people glitter.

   Cutting the fat off bacon is like cutting the bacon off bacon.

   Facebook crushes are all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket.

   I've seen homeless guys who keep their boxes in better shape than some girls keep theirs.

   It's all rainbows and sunshine until he breaks your heart, then it's voodoo dolls and arson reports.