Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fart along if you feel like you really gotta poop, because I'm gassy. Pharell Williams looking for a toilet.

   Happy Canada Day! Time to get drunk eh?!?!

   A guy goes into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

   A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off his belt buckle. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel?" The pirate says "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts."

   Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.

   When Mike Tyson says “Bithneth”…… You know he really means business.

   what idiot called them pregnant women and not bodybuilders

   Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster

   "Can I have a cake please?" "Oh what's the special occasion?" "I'm fat"

   I Have No Idea What's Going On: A Guide to Dating

   I can't believe people still get divorced, it's like they don't even know Wiz Khalifa relationship advice accounts exist.

   You should be required to read a book for every 10 selfies you take.

   Dropped my cheeseburger in the dirt before I ate it. That's about as organic you're gonna get out of me.

   "No, officer - this is medicinal roadhead."

   Sex so good she wakes up from her coma

   Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I'm just a guy in a bikini on the bus.

   If I had a dollar for every time someone called me gay I'd be able to afford front row tickets to the Cher concert.

   My favorite part in Pretty Woman is her joy when he agrees to pay $3,000 for 6 days, effectively lowering her rate from $100/hr to $21/hr

   My parents walking in on me & my wife having sex was bad enough without the high five from Dad, or Mom telling me to "put my hips into it".

   "Everything you do bothers me." A love story.