Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are there no Knock Knock jokes about America? Because Freedom rings.

   The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas, no joke. My day doesn't seem so bad now.

   If only you can see the Face I'm makiong ....When you add another plate in the sink while I'm washing the freakin dishes!!!!

   I feel bad for Arab Americans that truely want to get into crop dusting.\

   I typed in "Tim Howard" into Google. I'm waiting for the search results but I think they've been blocked.

   Pavlov is sitting at a bar, when all of the sudden the phone rings. Pavlov says, "Oh hell, I forgot to feed the dog."

   Dave Coulier's wedding turns into a full house of I don't give a F#Ck. . . . . .

   Life is a vicious circle, I will trip you during a game of musical chairs. . .

   I didn't know which one of my multiple personalities I wanted to be today, so I stayed home instead. . .

   Hey ladies, awesome news, I checked, they sell hoodies in the women's section too. I know, right?! ..I'd like mine back

   If someone could take my phone away from me, that'd be great, thanks

   remove money from a relationship and see if it still stands.

   I’ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason.

   Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that sh*t!”

   I use to be addicted to soap, but now I'm clean

   I went on eBay this afternoon looking for a Dictaphone ...they gave me Obama's phone number.

   No honey, I love your constant input on my driving

   Being funny is so much hotter than being hot.

   Sorry I was checking out your ass during your entire emotional breakdown.

   I'm sorry your grandma is in a coma but in my defense, she REALLY sucks at dodge ball.