Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you're not doing it right...

   I spent 2 years in therapy for my Phil Collins addiction but I did it. Against all odds. Just take a look at me now.

   I was going to let you in front of me, but then I saw your Obama bumper & decided I didn't need a stupid driver in front of me this morning.

   wonders if I have ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate

   Light beer is like my Uncle James. He sucks too...

   To the PR firm hired by Ray Rice; It doesn't matter how much you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

   Words of Wisdom: The police never think it’s as funny as you do.

   I don’t like morning people or mornings or people

   Was scrolling through the guide for Direct TV and came across a program called "Hot Tub Fun". It was an infomercial to sell hot tubs......very disappointed...

   This iPhone 6+ is how many inches? my pants only has room for one thing with more than six inches. (ladies, the queue starts here)

   The most expensive part of having kids is all the booze I drink.

   I feel a jokeke for Chris Brown and Ray Rice Rice coming up. hmmm...maybe after I finish this Brown Rice, I'll knock it out!

   I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice

   I hate when I think I'm buying organic vegetables and when I get home they're just plain old donuts.

   So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius.

   [Heaven] God: I see Joan Rivers is finally here. Jesus: I know. She's already making fun of us for wearing white after labor day.

   there a term for when a woman wakes you up by humping your face?

   If my walls could talk, they'd probably say "stop running into me you idiot"

   My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in..