Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So the government spies on us all the time and its no big deal, but someone hacks in and steals celebretards nudies and its a national emergency? SMH

   Praying that Jennifer Lawrence's hacker did not find my secret selfies...

   The strike must be over...the past few days have produced many laughs. Welcome back and thank goodness!

   Today's IDGAF award goes to the guy who named the fireplace.

   Bad news guys with big d*cks. She'll just find something else to b*tch about...

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   I let my 4 yr old watch Ghostbusters last week & now she has nightmares. What part of "I ain't 'fraid of no ghosts" did she not understand?!

   Maybe if the lion's sleeping tonight, you should stop f*ck!ng singing before it wakes up and eats your face

   In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.

   Of course I said NO but I totally meant YES, idiot. ~Women

   If there is anything to learn from celebrities is. Do not take nude photos of yourself. The FBI had better things to do. . .

   The pharmacist asked if I had any questions so I asked where he lived and where he keeps his office keys

   Imagine a person who really loves hearing you talk. Now go talk to THAT person.

   I spend 80% of my workday thinking up a new excuse to leave

   Whoever named pterodactyls is pterrible at naming things

   Drinking hasn't killed me, so it must be making me stronger

   It's like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn't want me to braid her hair.

   I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone's ok with that.

   My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don't run into anyone you know

   Energetic people who say "I'll sleep when I'm dead", are already dead to me.