Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"

   Go shawty, I forgot your birthday. It's only thanks to Facebook that I know it's your birthday.

   Showing your friend a funny video on YouTube and constantly checking their face to make sure they’re enjoying it…

   If Michael Sam beats his wife, will he get fired too. Equal Opportunity my ass.

   So, who wants to play go F#ck yourself. Oh my sarcasm never ceases to amaze me. . .

   cable TV.... helping us avoid Presidential speeches for nearly four decades

   So what if Lesean McCoy tipped a waitress 20 cent. He gives defenses 4 quarters every game.

   If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you Cnt even change Channel of Tv

   Great British Bake-Off tonight. In honour of the iPhone launch last night, they too will be trying to improve the Apple Turnover.

   If I was a reporter in Syria, I'd beheading home right now.

   If the clitoris really wanted to be found it wouldn't hide inside a hood.

   Government responses: Ferguson: lets hope for the best ISIS: we'll def look into it Nude Pics Leak: THE FBI WILL BRING DOWN THESE TERRORISTS

   If you mess with me i'll be on you like Rice on wife.

   Roger Goodell said he didn’t see the video from the elevator, just the one of Ray Rice dragging his unconscious fiancée. Did he think she just knocked herself out???

   My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.

   My favorite yoga move is the one where I nap under my desk until it's time to leave.