Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Maybe I'm just lazy or unimaginative or something, but if I had a time machine I'd probably just go forward to Friday to get this week over with.

   If it weren't for double-standards politicians would have no standards at all.

   America is the only country in the world where you can die from eating too much instead of too little.

   It's time for Ray Rice to be Challenged. Lets see how many punches he can take before he is knocked out. . .

   Don’t try calling me back after you miss my call. I make 3 calls a year. You blew it.

   If Ray Rice and Jay-Z have taught me anything this year it's just take the stairs…forget those elevators

   I bet it was hard for Andre the Giant's little brother, Wayne the Somewhat Beefy in the Legs but Still Generally Average Sized Person.

   So now that I've failed to find Jennifer Lawrence's leaked photos/nudes, I've decided to respect her privacy.

   I'm behind in my time traveling project. Or am I?

   it wrong to poke a friend with a facebook status of, "Ending it all, standing on the edge of a cliff?" Asking for a friend.

   My electric car is in for service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

   I heard Chipotle is offering a new Ravens burrito. It has everything on it but Rice.

   I think Ceelo Green released the Ray Rice tape

   I'm from England and have no idea who ray rice is....

   When our dog, Brittany, was just a puppy, I had to teach her how to drink water from a bowl. My wife was concerned that the water wasn't very clean. I assured her that it was... I flushed it three times.

   Ravens cut Ray Rice. I'd hate to there when he gets home tonight!!

   After seeing Solange and Ray Rice videos, I'm going to start taking the stairs. Elevator are too dangerous.

   You all need to listen to Ray Rice cover Aerosmith's "Love in an Elevator". Its going to be a bit hit.

   An Allen wrench is just a wrench that tucks his sweater vest into his khakis and cc's your boss on every email reply.

   I got to remember not to say "nailed it" around Jesus when he returns