Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When the light turns yellow I don't know if I should gas it or slam on the brakes, so I do both

   Lets celebrate our independance in America by drinking beer and shooting off fireworks made in China

   Hard to believe its been 18 years since Will Smith saved 'Merica!!

   Shaggy is playing in the world cup for Brazil as Fred.

   tonight the sky will be like most of my family.....pretty well lit up

   Using a cellphone in 90's: "he's prob a drug dealer" Using a payphone today: "he's prob a drug dealer"

   My gf always takes a "long bath" after a Ryan Gosling movie. I don't get it, but it does give me plenty of time to beat off to Ryan Gosling.

   238 years ago today, Thomas Jefferson wrote the ultimate breakup letter. You mad Britain? Merica.

   Let’s proudly wave our American flags made in China.

   playing my favorite game today, Gun Shots or Fireworks?

   It's not my job to fix you, people get paid for that.

   Lonely, Sober and Miserable sound like the same sh*t to me.

   "You're as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care

   *accidentally answers phone call* *pretends to be answering machine*

   People that ask if you're there yet are the reason why vibrat0rs exist

   If I had to choose between Star Wars and Star Trek, I'd probably choose vodka.

   It was just sex until I said "I do" and now we don't.

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.

   Baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet recalls....

   Saw a guy wearing a backwards, upside down visor. I assume he DOESN'T want to block sun but DOES want to collect rain.