Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I'm going to dye.

   They are holding English signs because they want you to get the heck out of their country

   I'm white but not "get up to go jogging at 3am before work" white.

   Dance like no one is watching. Because they're not; they're looking at their phone.

   My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.

   Alone floating on a raft in the pool. Asked the neighbor to call my home phone and ask someone to bring me a beer. Work smarter not harder.

   How could there have been 60 shootings and 11 people killed in Chicago over the July 4th weekend when guns are not allowed there?

   That is correct Monday. And the horse you rode in on...

   Marijuana: The reason man discovered fire

   I like to practice ballet every day because it keeps me on my toes.

   If Oreo's taught me one thing, it's that taking your food apart and licking it before you eat it is perfectly normal.

   Amnesia sounds so relaxing.

   Just saw the fattest Dalmation ever. It was huge & had these teats that were almost touching the ground & it made a weird bark, like "moo"

   if you had to use a treadmill to re charge your cell phone we would all be health nuts!

   it normal to need to jack off after watching 5 minutes of Naked and Afraid? Asking for a friend.

   Time to remove the little project black boy out of office ASAP !

   Smoke Weed Every Day. Legalize it! Don't drink and drive, smoke and fly.

   The phrase ‘you need Jesus’ was made when two drunk people were sitting in front of a pool and one said “imagine if this was a pool of wine”

   I have a six pack and a gut so the ladies get the best of both worlds