Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "It's a boy!" I shouted as I ran away from the Thai brothel

   I'll be updating my status telepathically the rest of the day... so if you think of something funny? That was me.

   My ideal job would be "guy in infomercial who is legitimately baffled by simple, everyday tasks"

   I tried sweeping a problem under the rug once, but her legs kept sticking out.

   Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, and where did he get the idea?

   If “too drunk to stand” is a yoga pose, then I’m nailing that one.

   You know you're watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear "May the Force be with you," you hear, "And also with you."

   I kept it gangsta...but, it was like 19% gangsta.

   My safe word is "Make sure we don't go over the hour. That's all the cash I got on me."

   "Yes your child is cute, but can he take a 'Whoopin'?" -Adrian Peterson

   I was sober for 15 straight years but on my 16th birthday I decided that I've had enough.

   Kellogg's is considering taking "Rice" Krispies off the market....realizing the snap,crackle,POP ! has gone way too far ...

   Sarah Palin: 'I Owe America A Global Apology'. - No Palin, you owe the world an apology for continuing to talk and show your dumbass face.

   Why does Play-Doh say "fun to play with, not to eat" then make 1000 accessories that all make it shaped like food?

   If horror movies have taught us anything its that white folks like to check out strange noises first at all times before assuming its means them harm. So Oscar's story does not add up at all.

   "Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally"

   You said you didn't want to text your ex, Tequila determined that was a lie

   Solar flares...Thanks Obamacare

   Just ate 2 bagles and used only half the cream cheese. Diets are hard people!! Really hard.

   I don't want to brag but I was the best Nintendo game blower in history.