Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As usual the UN remains inactive in yet another massacre in Brazil #WorldCup2014

   Alarm clock alarms in the morning!!! Scolari's wife: Sir wake up it is 7. Scolari: Ohhhh, have they scored another one!!!!!

   wanna know what the Toronto Maple Leaf players do for the summer? Apparently they play soccer for Brazil. bawaaa!

   How much for the license to kill? Ma'am, thats a marriage certificate.

   Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.

   I like surprises. Not the 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, but flowers are always nice.

   The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It's like winning an award.

   I think my girlfriend can transform into a bee. She only transforms in the bathroom though, I always hear the buzzing sound.

   I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I've had it right up to here with them.

   UP for The Undertaker. DOWN for John Cena.

   Suing for $10,000,000 for being caught sleeping on camera??!! I gotta start napping at work again.

   I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.

   I think there should be something in science called "the reindeer effect". I don't know what it would be, but it would be cool to hear someone say "Gentleman what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer effect"

   Responsibility gave me the finger yesterday.

   *emerges from behind your shower curtain..... Hey what's this restraining order about silly?

   Did you know you are supposed to pull anal beads out slowly? I didn't... I started the wife up like a f*cking chainsaw.

   If you zoom into the background on your selfies you can see your dignity disappearing into the distance.

   When a girl says "lol have fun." do NOT have fun. Abort mission. Repeat Abort Mission.

   This day in history in 1803. Louisiana Purchase was made by Thomas Jefferson. It added 828000 square miles to the USA,,, and later on that day, his wife hid his credit cards.

   Hey guys,, my feed is down.. Is anyone here friends with Kathy?..I'm on pins and needles over here about how her workout went yesterday.