Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I created the entire universe for the sake of one group of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy." - GOD

   If they're the champions why will they keep on fightin' 'til the end? They've been named champions. Was it just the conference championship?

   I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad

   Once in a while, someone amazing will come into your life. And here I am!

   Sure, whitepeople can't say the "n-word" but at least we can say phrases like, "Thanks for the warning, Officer" and, "hey dad"

   Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "F**k" or "F**king" 506 times. That actually beats a record set by my dad in 2003, trying to put an Ikea chair together.

   My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.

   So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don't give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.

   All the celebrities have released their own fragrance so I decided to release mine too...now the wife is disgusted with me again.

   I think they should replace oxygen on the planes masks with laughing gas. I mean you are gonna die anyways at least this way you are happy about it. 

   If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail.

   Dear sneeze, If you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and leave.

   Reason #428 why other countries hate the US. We act like our civil rights have been violated when a waiter says, “We don’t have Coke, will Pepsi do?”

   Don’t you just hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...but don’t you just hate it though when you hate it for no reason.

   I heard the man who invented the cross word puzzle past away....did you hear this? yea they buried him 6 feet down and 3 feet across

   "I've seen fire & I've seen rain" -James Taylor & LITERALLY EVERY HUMAN

   I could make a rap video, but instead of cash I'd be surrounded by stacks of Taco Bell napkins

   All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids

   So disappointed that Hello Kitty isn't a cat. This must be how Snoop Dogg felt when he met Emily Blunt

   If a co-worker asks how your long weekend was, respond with a clever retort like "not long enough" or "MAAAAAN I MISSED YOUR SMELL"