Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Twerking is great for working out your legs and daddy issues at the same time

   Anyone with more than 0 bumper stickers needs to relax

   Maybe cigarettes don't give you cancer. Maybe it's the jean jackets and sunglasses. We just don't know.

   What's a bae and can I deep fry it and dip it in cheese?

   Don't know how you got your head that far up your ass with your foot in your mouth, but damn thats impressive.

   Lime flies when you're having rum.

   Samsung won't stop until they create a TV so curved it watches itself.

   Just seen a picture of Rihanna fully dressed. Man these hackers don't sleep.

   it really fair to say that Joan Rivers died at 81? Most of her wasn't even old enough to drink.

   I can't believe so many of my friends were close to Joan rivers...

   I hit a deer last night. It died instantly. I feel awful, but when I'm jogging I'm in my own world.

   For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid

   (o)(o) + $$ = ( o )( o )

   Watching Kate Upton's easter video. Something is rising and it ain't jesus.

   Rest in piece Joan Rivers, someone who was very real and completely fake at the same time.

   Wanna hear a joke? Your love life.

   If Jennifer Lawrence really wanted to keep her photos private, she should've kept them hidden in Lois Lerner's email.

   I have tweets with one or no stars,, so yes Grandpa, I can imagine what the Vietnam war was like

   Read an interesting article about the "iPod" at the doctor's office today.

   Joan Rivers may have been too old to be an organ donor, but be on the lookout for some fresh new faces on your local mannequins.