Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, feminists can't change anything, silly!

   I'm a male, so I guess my job is to tell you're wrong. By the way, where is my sandwich?

   I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.

   Yes men, you CAN fold a washcloth the wrong way.

   Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

   I don't believe death is the end. In my heart I know that, long after I'm gone, I will continue to receive Hot Summer Deal!!! emails.

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.

   My Native American name is "Sits with purses while all her friends dance."

   First date idea: Stare at your phones and wonder if there’s anything better happening somewhere else.

   "But what does it mean?" - WOMEN

   If the N.F.L. cracked down on all the drug and alcohol abuse as well as spousal and child abuse watching football would remind me of golf.

   Beginning to wonder if starting each work day with 5 straight hours on Facebook may be kneecapping my productivity.

   U put songs like Anaconda on your top 10 list and you wonder why the world hatez you. - Tastless

   Hey NFL, How about cracking down on all your players breaking the law? One would think a guy you're paying millions a year would be held to a higher moral compass than your average Joe.

   Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.

   There's no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.

   This salad tastes like I’d rather be fat.

   I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager