Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1820 of 6386
I just sneezed on my phone and it made little rainbow sparkles all over the screen... I'm pretty sure that makes me a Wizard.
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07-10-2014 20:51 by snotty
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3-year-old conversion factor: 1 chicken strip = 1/2 bottle of ketchup
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07-10-2014 20:25 by snotty
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Yoga teacher hates me.... *Puts me in an awkward position.
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07-10-2014 20:21 by snotty
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If you don't have a dog whistle,,,, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in a month.
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07-10-2014 20:00 by snotty
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I hate Throwback Thursday. I already have to see your ugly face in a hundred different angles from your selfies. Now I have to see how fat and ugly you were as a kid too?!
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07-10-2014 19:33
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Yeah, that's right! I learned all my dance moves from the paternity tests on Maury!!
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07-10-2014 19:13 by Steve OH
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All I'm saying is if she was any dumber I'd have to water her.
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07-10-2014 16:54 by pimpjuice
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According to a new report from BP, the earth will run out of oil in 53 years. Luckily, thanks to BP, the ocean will still have plenty...
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07-10-2014 15:21 by Mark M
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In "Extant" Halle Berry plays an astronaut who mysteriously winds up pregnant after a space mission. The series will answer the question: How did Arnold Schwarzenegger get onto that ship?
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07-10-2014 15:18 by Mark M
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I thought riots are to soccer what crashes are to NASCAR: something that breaks up the boredom.
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07-10-2014 12:18
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This big soccer contest thingy has been going on for a month and forever and not one riot yet? C'mon, hooligans! You're letting me down...
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07-10-2014 12:17
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doing push ups with my tongue.
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07-10-2014 10:30
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My road to success is under construction and all the workers are out getting drunk.
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07-10-2014 05:23 by Huck
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I just kicked an empty soda can and somehow scored a goal against Brazil.
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07-10-2014 05:17 by FLA PAULY
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2 year old: Mommy, what is a loser?? Me: Well sweetie, you know your dad? 2 year old: No. Me: There ya go.
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07-10-2014 02:17 by Karen
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If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
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07-10-2014 02:15
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"No comment" - said no woman, ever
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07-10-2014 01:54 by Baddie
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"My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other's..." (silence) (silence) *Russian accent* "You give me Green Card now, yes?"
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07-10-2014 01:20
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Which surprise would be worse .The 'finger in my ass without permission' kind, or "Just look at the flowers" kind.
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07-09-2014 21:28
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A new rumor has surfaced that the next iPhone will feature an all-glass exterior. Because why should just the front be cracked?
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07-09-2014 14:35 by Mark M
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