Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't forget to watch the NFL kicker/punter combine this afternoon!

   How much for the phone charger? Sir, that's a nuclear power plant.

   I'm fat, but not "hotel towels no longer fit around my waist" fat.

   Some women try to live their lives through another woman. Point in case Rihanna and Kim Kardashian wannabes.

   If we sacrifice Justine Beiber to Satan, it would bring world peace. . .

   Dear cars that have an Automatic start engine button please don't do it around me sincerely someone who thought you where a Transformer

   You never see a church with free WiFi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works..

   When one door closes another one opens... if that were true, imagine trying to get in the car. It would be like an episode of Mr Bean.

   "Cagefree" eggs means they've never been forced to watch every Nicolas cage movie he's made right?

   Couples Advice: never go to bed angry. Stay awake for weeks, slowly going insane as your body and mind collapse in on themselves.

   "I like soccer!" -- Someone who's either lying, trying to tick off their parents, or has given up on life.

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

   Cleveland better not get too excited about LeBron coming to town, He's just coming home to get his hairline then he's leaving again.

   Been seeing this girl for a while so I think it's time to pop the question. Anal??

   Find someone who makes you happy and murder them before they ruin your life.

   Pay attention she's giving you all the answers.

   Opening a Game of Thrones-themed restaurant called "Daenerys Served"

   How To Lose A Guy In 10 Passive-Aggressive Texts

   Thank god the media continue to obsess on these coal hauling Kartrashian hoes and putting them out as role models.

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.