Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The new iPhone's are out and some are complaining that their phones are bending. Here's an idea. If your phone bends too much, wrap it around your wrist and tell people it's the Apple Watch. You'll be the first one to have it.

   I've always heard to "live everyday like it was your last" but noticed how much people will actually frown upon that kinda lifestyle.

   that a banana in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Neither, it's my new iPhone.

   We have great news. We're pregnant!... Awesome! Do you know the sex yet?...Of course we know "the sex",, How do you think we got pregnant, silly

   Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?... *dad panics*... Uhh...you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much...

   *John Madden circles my face on the telestrator..... "Now here's a guy who sits down when he pees."

   In case you weren't paying attention, the REAL reason Eric Holder resigned is to prepare for the 2016 presidential campaign. He'll be running as Anthony Weiner's VP candidate on the Weiner-Holder ticket....

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   "I'm an artist" is the best way to tell your family that you're unemployed.

   Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me

   Biologically Speaking, if something bites you, it is more likely to be female.

   You know the world is coming to an end when George Clooney gets married

   Why do teenagers have unprotected sex but buy indestructable cases for their cell Phones?

   My son said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7,,, and now I'm terrified to go into the bathroom.

   Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I'm not crazy for God's taste in music.

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   One thing TV has taught me-35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell "Don't you die on me!" at the right moment.