Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

   I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.

   Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter

   I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.

   Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

   I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.

   He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.

   the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.

   Technically, we're all half centaur.

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

   My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.

   My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .

   Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   *Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart

   How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, feminists can't change anything, silly!

   I'm a male, so I guess my job is to tell you're wrong. By the way, where is my sandwich?

   I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.