Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1817 of 6453

iOS 9 will be out by the time iOS 8 finishes downloading

Self Control is not smacking 2 girls arguing over which filter to use before Instagraming a pic of their Pumpkin Spice Latte.
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09-17-2014 12:35 by Steve OH
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A 4 year old black boy was brutally beaten by his father. Where's your outrage black community??
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09-17-2014 10:45
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If the NFL keeps this up, we've got a shot at playing again. - White Guys
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09-17-2014 10:16
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Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
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09-17-2014 05:29 by flinnie
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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09-17-2014 01:59 by Baddie
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I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.
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09-17-2014 01:56 by Baddie
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Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
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09-17-2014 01:52
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He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.
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09-17-2014 01:51 by Baddie
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Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.
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09-17-2014 01:49 by Baddie
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I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
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09-17-2014 01:49 by Baddie
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the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.
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09-17-2014 01:36
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Technically, we're all half centaur.
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09-17-2014 01:22 by Daheavy1
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You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
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09-16-2014 22:16 by snotty
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My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.
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09-16-2014 21:33 by snotty
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My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
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09-16-2014 21:28 by JAB
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Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.
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09-16-2014 21:26 by snotty
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I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.
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09-16-2014 21:22 by snotty
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