Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 1817 of 6452

Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.

I’m glad I’m me, I don’t think anybody else could take it.
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09-17-2014 05:29 by flinnie
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
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09-17-2014 01:59 by Baddie
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I got 69 problems. My girlfriend is a midget.
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09-17-2014 01:56 by Baddie
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Pro Tip: When having sex on the first date, ALWAYS say "I've never done this" so your partner knows you're a compulsive liar as well.

I'm fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn't know I was pregnant, fat.
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09-17-2014 01:52
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He died doing what he loved: checking to see if bears are ticklish.
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09-17-2014 01:51 by Baddie
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Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.
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09-17-2014 01:49 by Baddie
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I'm old enough to remember when a selfie was some lotion and a box of Kleenex.
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09-17-2014 01:49 by Baddie
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the reason I use condoms is because children have the odd habit of bringing home fundraising forms.
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09-17-2014 01:36
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Technically, we're all half centaur.
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09-17-2014 01:22 by Daheavy1
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You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.
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09-16-2014 22:16 by snotty
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My kid's hamster died, so I just glued some googly eyes on it and told him it was high on meth.
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09-16-2014 21:33 by snotty
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My mission is to be the first person on Facbook to have one million people on their block list. . .
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09-16-2014 21:28 by JAB
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Me: What's the capital of Ohio?.... Son:.?... Me: It's also a famous explorer.... Son: Dora? ... Me: Yep,, Dora, Ohio.
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09-16-2014 21:26 by snotty
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I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.
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09-16-2014 21:22 by snotty
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*Gets a DUI playing Mario Kart
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09-16-2014 21:21 by snotty
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How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none, feminists can't change anything, silly!
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09-16-2014 21:19
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I'm a male, so I guess my job is to tell you're wrong. By the way, where is my sandwich?
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09-16-2014 21:12
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I told my wife I thought she was a little OCD sometimes, so she read like a 100 articles about it.
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09-16-2014 20:33
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