Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dateline gives excellent tips on killing someone.

   I see you trying to win me over and raise you a wall

   I think the scientific term for life is, "that's some bullsh*t."

   Coworker: OK, stop me if you've heard this one before. Me: Stop.

   My hand is stuck in a Pringles can. I'll just leave it there. I'm not hiding who I am anymore.

   I meant every drunken word... Whatever they were.

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   You smell good. You are my new girlfriend now. You have 24 hours to get rid of your husband.

   I'm pretty sure it was ISIS that put the new U2 album in our iTunes libraries with hopes that Bono's voice would make our heads explode.

   Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that's why I haven't been at work in one week.

   Breaking News: NFL is going to investigate the Falcons for Domestic Violence against the Bucs...

   I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."

   Peyton Manning had to be a pot smoker, why else would someone buy a chain of pizza stores for. Of course, for free pizza when he is high . . .

   If a white cop had hit Adrian Peterson's 4 year old son like that, cities would be on fire and stores would be looted...

   if a white NFL player spanked his kid, then that would be ok according to the dorks here

   I knew the struggle was real when I had to use a straw to get every last drop out of the whiskey bottle.

   Sometimes you need a drunken nap in the bathroom before you go to bed. Thats all.

   How many self defense classes are required before I can date someone in the NFL?

   Hey NFL,solution to your recent problem,start allowing players to hit each other on the field again......

   Yesterday I heard a young white kid tell his mom "I hate you and you annoy me, you stupid b*tch" Then a black woman slapped me just for hearing it