Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love you, flushable baby wipes.

   It's that time of year we need a Frozen Margarita truck. . .

   So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .

   I'm still wondering exactly how long a cotton picking minute really is. Does anyone know ?

   69 + 69 = dinner for four. . .

   I will pay anyone $100 bucks to be at my wake in a Reapers costume holding a scythe. I will have it in my will to anyone who wants that job. . .

   I have heard I said that women are the fairer sex ... that has not been my experience.

   Wife wife insists on having the last word in any argument. Anything I say after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   When one door closes and another window opens you are probably in prison.

   Bit*ches be digging up bones in someone elses yard. Dawgs be burying their bones in someone elses yard. It's an endless cycle.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   rael says "ceasefire", Hamas says "reload".

   Most people don’t realize this… But, you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone about it.

   I love hearing “saw this and thought of you”

   I think I'm emotionally constipated because I haven't given a sh*t in days

   I might not be prince charmin honey and you're not a fairy princess... so stop acting like that vajaja is gold plated. . .

   Only if these women were as thorough in choosing a man as they are in choosing which selfies to upload on Facebook maybe they wouldn’t get heartbroken so often.

   My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.