Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spent the majority of the 80's waiting on cassettes to rewind.

   Oops, It slipped, wrong hole! But since I'm already here..... - MEN

   I bet you won’t judge the tattoos of the person saving your life.

   Why do only 50 percent of women go to heaven?..........because if they all went, it would be hell.

   If your dog is fat it means that you don't get enough exercise.

   I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it before.

   I think I'll open a German delicatessen and call it "The Best of the Wurst."

   We all have those friends that are fine to 'hangout' with on FB, but in real life you wanna punch them right in the face. Oh wait.......that's my family.

   I'm thinking of going on an alcohol diet.... As I need to lose a few days!

   Build a man a fire, he is warm for the night. Set a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

   Thanks arms for being by my side. Thanks legs for all the support. Thanks middle fingers for sticking up for me!

   Hello, it was great ignoring each other while I was here. We need to do this more often. . .

   I am proud to say that I have completed the 1st item on my bucket list... I got the bucket

   How much for this black sheep? Sir, that's a mirror.

   How much is it to see the therapist? Ma’am, that’s a buffet.

   If there's a wrong way, I'll find it

   Kanye West and Kim Kardashian lock eyes... "I love you" Kanye whispers as he sees his own reflection in Kim's eyes.

   So desperately in need of a mindgasm. Stimulation of the mind can be bliss but share it with someone and it becomes heaven on earth.

   A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere

   I have a feeling that if I were _______ my wife would play with my pen1s a lot more...