Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sign up now for my new fitness program! Clowns with guns chase you until you are thin... Also we put spiders in your food.

   Making your own salad dressing is simple: 1. Dig hole... 2. Place salad in hole... 3. Cover with dirt until hole is filled...4. Pizza...

   You can't fight terro0rism with patience." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   "You can't fight terro0rism with sanctions." You fight illiterate-ignora-nt-reci-.sists, "by going in there and killing them. Every. Last. One of them."

   *Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

   If she claims to be just one of the guys, compliment her mustache. If she laughs and buys you a beer, you, sir, have found a unicorn!

   You sure have a lot of rules for someone who doesn’t care.

   I just woke up and realized I didn't have to.

   I don't have buns but if your anaconda wants crippling daddy issues coupled with intense emotional damage I'm definitely your girl.

   may not have the best parenting skills; but, in my defense, my kids don't have the best childing skills, either.

   "My eyes are up here." - *gift horses

   FYI: It takes a man a week to walk a fortnight,

   You can lose weight but unfortunately you can't lose ugly.

   Getting over body issues is a like getting over a fear of heights. The trick is not to look down.

   it me or this presidency has experienced more Virus out break since AIDS? Remember the Swine Flu, bird Flu, Housing Bubble Flu, Bank bail out Flu, and my favorite was when Congress Flew

   My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.

   I bought shoes from a drug dealer today. Don't know what he laced them with but I have been tripping all day!

   I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.

   I have never been paid for sex, but holy mother of god, there were a few instances when I should have been.