Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would go for a jog today, but it looks like all of these cupcakes expire today as well.

   I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

   Was Sharknado made just so they could finish off a reel?

   A fire pole is just a stripper pole that grew up and got a real job.

   There have been more sharknadoes under President Obama than any other President...

   I guess Obama will be putting up "No Ebola Zone" in school zones.

   SHARKNADO 2 took 18 days to film....credit to everyone... it totally looks like a 24 day shoot to me!!!

   Ladies, they're called "Skinny Jeans." Not "Makes You Skinny Jeans."

   I think states are over looking the Dr Kevorkian method. Enough said. . .

   People don't want to go outside when it is raining.. Scared your fake will wash off?

   Strangers can become best friends just as easy as best friends can become strangers.....

   Expensive jeans will NOT hide an expansive backside.

   My toenails taste different. Hope I'm not sick...

   Yeah... I may be old... But I'm still hot..... They just come in flashes now!

   Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS4 in return.

   I think I might have a natural immunity to Ebola. I get feverish, diarrhea and vomiting symptoms most Sunday mornings....

   Some days you just can't get home to your liquor fast enough

   Is it just me...., or does "Ebola" sound kind of like "Obama?"

   A woman's "I'll be ready in 5 minutes" is the same length of time as a man's "I'll be home in 5 minutes."

   My internet goes out more than I do