Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked wonderful tonight or if it was just the 27th outfit she'd tried on and he didn't want to be late to the party.

   [Status omitted by the US Secretary of Defense]

   I got to hand it to short people... sometimes they just can't reach it.

   You all take typos way too serious, you gays.

   I like to think of bathwater as ”Me tea.”

   When I got the decorations out of the attic yesterday REAL spiders started coming out of the containers.... Well played Halloween, well played.

   Everything I have learned about women has come from a pamphlet in a tampon box.

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Cars should come with two horns: one that’s like “Hey guys!” & another that’s like “I will end you!”

   When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”

   The number of people that confuse 'to' and 'too' is two darn high.

   We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we're terrified people in real life will find us on the internet

   A teardrop tattoo means they're a giant cry baby, so don't forget to tease them relentlessly about it.

   Over a thousand people die in Africa because of Ebola they get 10minute news coverage , one Australian is suspected to have Ebola gets hours of news coverage

   My friends say the craziest things like "hello police" and "he's in our house again."

   A romantic getaway but, just me and your best friend.

   I'm white but not "I enjoy engaging people in discussions about antioxidants" white.

   Just putting it out there, most Americans, myself included, don't like Our governments involvement in other countries either. Don't hate the American people, it's our governments doing, not ours.

   Are you really that attractive, or is your Selfie game just that strong?

   Did you hear what happened to Willie Nelson's hair? They sold it. There was an auction this week and a pair of Willie Nelson's braids sold for $37,000. It's a good deal because each braid has a street value of $80,000