Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Autocorrect changes "kiss" to "kids" like its trying to remind me how I got in this mess in the first place.

   She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.

   Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots

   They should line rock bottom with bubble wrap.

   I recently went to the dentist and he wanted to take a mould of my mouth. When he was done he didn't like the mould so he asked me to do it again. I said "WHAT?! I usually make a good first impression..."

   "Being curious is secondary, being serious is primary".

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind" "What's the problem?" "Nothing" "Please tell us?" "You KNOW what the problem is."

   love yourself first. send yourself romantic texts. take yourself out on romantic dates. hold your hand in public as a show of affection.

   I get particularly worried when cows lick themselves because we are in for some serious competition if they find out how delicious they are.

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk

   Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC

   If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

   "If I had a communicable disease, it would look just like Ebola" - Barack Obama

   Last night I wore a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accused him of having an affair with Minnie until I was forcibly removed & arrested.

   Making a list of people I want to visit after catching Ebola.

   Guys, when you say "you graduated from the school of hard knocks", we hear "dumb and poor..."

   Texting wasn't always easy, in my day you had to work for it...You had to want it...You need an S? You better click that 7 button four times