Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Keep Calm,, and stop coming up with different ways to end that phrase.

   that a selfie or did you just photobomb a picture of your filthy bathroom?

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." "What?" "Never mind" "What's the problem?" "Nothing" "Please tell us?" "You KNOW what the problem is."

   love yourself first. send yourself romantic texts. take yourself out on romantic dates. hold your hand in public as a show of affection.

   I get particularly worried when cows lick themselves because we are in for some serious competition if they find out how delicious they are.

   BREAKING NEWS: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags...People who love picking up dog crap with their bare hands rejoice.

   still have not used all the free hours from my AOL start up disk

   Your shirt might say UFC but your body says KFC

   If pigs could fly imagine how good their wings would taste.

   "If I had a communicable disease, it would look just like Ebola" - Barack Obama

   Last night I wore a Mickey Mouse costume to Chuck E. Cheese and angrily accused him of having an affair with Minnie until I was forcibly removed & arrested.

   Making a list of people I want to visit after catching Ebola.

   Guys, when you say "you graduated from the school of hard knocks", we hear "dumb and poor..."

   Texting wasn't always easy, in my day you had to work for it...You had to want it...You need an S? You better click that 7 button four times

   I think the CDC Director needs to resign and let Dr. House save us all from Ebola.....

   I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD,, and it told me I have Gary Busey.

   IS + Ebola = Problem Solved

   You can tell it's fall. I look like I'm searching for landmines when I'm looking for dog crap in my back yard under the leaves.......but alas, I found one with my shoe!!!!

   You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

   Wife: do these jeans make me look fat? Husband: nope it's not the jeans