Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the Worst Part about admitting you are an Alcoholic ..is People expect you to Quit Drinking.

   Buy a "World's Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.

   Play Closing Time at my funeral because it's likely I died trying to change the radio station when it came on.

   You're saying, “Capital punishment shouldn't even be a debate. You deserve to be put to death if you take a life." You mean, you’ve never been wrongfully accused of doing something or the justice system is an angel.

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old

   I've got my injury from the Vietnam war, it was from a hunting accident while hiding in Canada

   Former Ravens cheerleader arrested for having sex with 15 year old boy. Apparently her flirting style was to BE AGGRESSIVE, B-E AGGRESSIVE

   "The Force Awakens" ensures the next Star Wars movie is already better than "The Phantom Menace"

   WhatsApp now has 2 blue ticks when the person has read the message. I guess I can't ignore people on purpose anymore.

   WTH?? AC/DC Drummer Phil Rudd was arrested for trying to hire a hitman! Well now I'm disillusioned. So much for AC/DC knowing anything at all about "Dirty Deeds done Dirt Cheap".

   The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades..

   Dirty Deeds, Done Dirt Cheap? Hells Bells! I must say, I'm Thunderstruck. I know it's a Long Way To The Top, and if You Want Blood, you'd better Shoot To Thrill with a Big Gun, but still he must have some Big Balls. I guess Money Talks...

   MSNBC: quickly moving back to Bridgegate....CNN: quickly moving back to missing airplane.....Fox News: laughing their asses off......

   I admit Mr. Ed was a pretty clever horse, but I'll bet he didn't write his own lines!

   It's like I'm the only one in this gym who thinks groin fitness is important.

   Snoring is just God's way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.

   What do you mean you don't know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.

   People are always saying "live and learn" and I'm all like whoa, whoa, whoa...one thing at a time please.

   I'm glad I've got boobs. The last thing I need is people making eye contact with me