Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Waiting 30 seconds for a Youtube Ad feels a bit too much like a long term relationship.

   No, I didn't say I was a taxidermist. I said, I can stuff your beaver.

   If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me

   Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews) Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfriend.

   Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!)

   I'm Mexican, but I'm not "I'll cut your grass for 20 bucks" Mexican.

   If you're not afraid when someone is flipping through the photos on your phone then you're probably boring.

   Should I check my bank account balance or continue having an okay day?

   Sorry I woke your baby when I opened my velcro wallet.

   Cowards - kissassers - are not on the side of truth; they're on the side of money.

   Ok. Who the frig showed my grandma how to start "group texts" ?!?

   Girl Pro Tip: Save up to 80% on life by being born pretty.

   "There's more than one way to skin a cat." -Chinese restaurant proverb

   "Can you validate my parking?".. "You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud."... *wipes away tear,,, "Thanks."

   First Principle of good customer service: shut up and concentrate on your work.

   The quality of a good neighbour is not seeing them often.

   If you like keep scaring strangers away, smile for no good reason.

   Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.

   Well, I guess it's time to go apologize to my neighbors...

   For ten dollars I’ll engrave your status on a brick and throw it at you.