Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.

   Watching my favorite show. "Keeping Up With Obamas Lies"

   That moment you realize that the person who proofread Hitler's speeches was indeed a Grammar Nazi.

   Behind every successful woman is a man staring at her butt.

   Reason #258 I hate people... Kim Kardashian’s mobile game is making $29,166 per hour. That's right, she's making more than a lot of Americans are per second. Just for being some kind of high class pass around slut for rappers! Come and get it Kanye...

   I can think of absolutely no acceptable situation where a grown man should be taking a selfie, especially a bathroom mirror selfie... Seriously stop it, you're embarrassing yourself!

   Whenever I see a piece of gum in a urinal it makes me cringe. I just can't imagine the pain that caused on the way out! And also how does it not come out like silly string?

   Leonardo DiCaprio cheering Orlando Bloom on as he was trying to punch Justin Bieber in the face is reason enough for me to like two of the three people named here.

   Justin Bieber aka "Douche Nizzel" says Miranda Kerr made him a man... I didn't know she was able to perform such a specialized operation on such a fragile looking little girl. Man do I hate "celebrities"!

   *interrupts doctor* so, let's say I do wash these pills down with 8 beers.

   I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"

   Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not a flow chart?

   Cavs agree to Love trade". Oh, so THAT'S how they can afford to pay both Lebron and Kyrie!

   I don't know what the big deal is about this whole Love trade thing. Its nothing new! Isn't that the world's oldest profession?

   At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?

   A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

   You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.

   My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism. Don't worry. I never get laid.

   Sometimes I hump my wife to Bon Jovi