Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn't my first choice but my doctor told me I can't have any biologically.

   Spoiler alert: Your '97 Nissan Sentra doesn't need one.

   So you'd like to know what I do for a living? So would I.

   Instead of moaning about how much your life sucks try getting drunk like normal people

   most girls go from 0 to 69 in 6 beers.

   I once shook hands with an arab and I have my hand to prove it

   girls look back at your wedding photos, if you are fatter than that, he is not happy..

   Far from perfect like everyone else.

   I accidentally stepped on this kid at the store all was well till I learnt his parents were called Lafonzo and Shaniqua

   After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

   Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don't know who this woman is but she's my new life coach.

   In hell, you have to pick just one person to have sex with for the rest of your life. Wait...

   a group of 5 white basketball players is called a "loss"

   I once dated someone for two months because I was drunk.

   She said there's no difference between turkey bacon and regular bacon, and now I'm supposed to just "forget about it"?

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days. But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   I start conversations with "As a vegan" when I don't want to be friends with them

   I'm not a priest but I know that jesus is 43% pancakes

   It's not stalking if you're asleep and I wake you with a BJ. That's called a gift.

   Sorry I can't go out tonight, I can't find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.