Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous and six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

   Did You know if you unscramble 'Ebola Outbreak', it reads: We just want to scare you suckers like we did with Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Antharax, AIDS and high gas prices. Because scarring the public is what the government who created them is what they're go

   II have a strange feeling this year's "must have" Halloween costume will be a level 4 biohazard suit

   American people are not evil people. If given the right information they will do the right thing. The problem lies with their lack of information/incorrect information. Robbin - I concur

   It's only October 17th and I'm already sick of seeing anything regarding black friday .. seriously people have you no respect?? its african-american friday, dammit!

   Just once I’d like to see someone dropkick the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   All these Ebola deaths in Africa might explain why I haven't heard back from that Nigerian prince after I sent him my financial information.

   Michael Sam would have loved to go to Sayreville Highschool...

   If you're asking why there are no black folks in the movie Titanic. Who the hell do you think brought the luggages on board?

   "You know. If I had a son, he'd look like Hunter Biden and would do blow off a secretary's tramp stamp on a Naval base" ~ Barack Obama

   Biden's son, another example of someone out douching their douchey parent

   Biden's son booted off navy for positive cocaine test. Now he will run for office and win and deztroy sovereignty of nationz

   Everytime I see someone wearing camo, I run right into them. The I apologize profusely, claiming that I "didn't see them"

   Uranus was the first planet discovered with a telescope. I didn't know planets had telescopes...

   Tell me more about this victum role you play due to the circumstances that you've created for yourself.

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   I'm not opposed to manscaping, but I don't see the point of cutting the grass until somebody takes interest in the property.

   Sending troops to Liberia to fight Ebola? Are they going to shoot at it?

   My pet peeve is when I accidentally impregnate other guy's GF's on the 7th? No, 11th try.

   Autocorrect changes "kiss" to "kids" like its trying to remind me how I got in this mess in the first place.