Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I cant wait till Obamas not president anymore so that we can all complain about the next president.

   Sorry, I value our friendship too much to ever loan you money.

   Well,,, Maybe lactose isn't so tolerant of you, either.

   if people around you are being negative, be extra positive & cancel them out

   Bad news: I stepped in gum... Good news: it still had flavor left.

   Does Uncle Ben still make rice? Because I'm pretty sure he's been telling people he's Spider-Man's uncle... I guess he could do both..

   Sadly, the makers of Crocs will never be brought to justice.

   To the neighbors who have plastic flowers prominently displayed in their yard: Thanks, my home is now worth ten dollars on Zillow.

   I just burped at the same time my cell phone rang and it sounded like a DubStep song remix!

   I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.

   I like my women like I like my chinese food.... steamy, hot, and lots of doggie

   I noticed you stopped taking your meds. Can I have them?

   Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you cant do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here

   Lost in Ikea for 271 days.. Spent hellish week in labyrinth of spoon organizers & I'm now in relationship with lamp named "BÖJA"... RESCUE ME

   A woman is only sexy until she becomes a wife.

   Her: You came home drunk last night! Me: I wasn't drunk! Her: You slept with your motorcycle helmet on...

   My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I'd go to hell for.

   If guys were smart, they'd forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.

   Tupac has been dead for 18 years and still makes albums and you can't text me back?

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google's homepage.