Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday yet another person jumped the White House fence. It happened again. On the bright side, at least Michelle Obama is finally getting more Americans to exercise.

   I wonder how long I’d be on hold if my call wasn’t important to them...

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a normal pigeon.

   I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

   British Metallica: Master Of Crumpets.

   There are no bad photos. That’s just how you look sometimes.

   Your honor, let the record show the defendant's eyebrows are drawn on.

   I've spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can't find his nuggets.

   Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there.

   I don't think I have enough money to find long everlasting love.

   Anxiety is your brain reminding you that you are a wussy.

   I can't get the cork off my dinner.

   I'm just a boy, standing in front of a hole, wondering if I might find glory on the other side.

   A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.

   Judging from the bar receipts, ATM withdraws, hand stamps, and the glitter in my car, I now realize I'm a ball of fun when I black out.

   Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.

   I'm worried for my friend. He hasn't shared a blog article about the secret to happiness in weeks.

   You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.

   All I'm saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we're all french toast.

   What she said: "I'd make great wife material" What I heard: "I'm going to nag you to death and never touch your d*ck"