Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger's property and make a non-negotiable demand.

   "More power to him" is the polite way to say "What a freakin' wacko".

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   I never seize the day. I awkwardly watch the day across the room until it notices me staring, then I pretend to be looking at something else

   I run with scissors. You know why? Cause I got places to be and sh*t to cut

   Just got into a conversation with a crazy person. Do you guys know what a crazy person will never say? -- "Well I've got to go."

   I'd like to think I'm a decent person but honestly if I was a millionaire, the last thing I would do is dress up like a bat and fight crime.

   So this whole working for a living sh*t goes on for how long?

   Can Walmart be a feeling? I'm pretty sure that's how I'm feeling today.

   Talk to your kids about marijuana. Maybe they have a higher grade than you do.

   A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin' too.

   Maybe men wouldn't have such a low tolerance for pain if women didn't have such a low tolerance for men in pain...

   Relationship status: If I slam on my brakes really hard... The seatbelt hugs me back.

   Looks like the lava from that volcano in Hawaii has buried an old Japanese cemetary. But on the bight side, we don't have to worry about zombies wielding samurai swords either.

   Pointing out that what you are doing is dumb and is making you look like an idiot is not judging you. It’s called caring.

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you evulse it from my benumbed, cadaverous extremities.

   They should have waited until next July 4th to launch that Antares Rocket. At least then it would not have been a complete waste.

   Sure, I'll show up at your vegetarian Halloween Party... I'll be coming as the invisible man....

   I was going to change my profile pic to a pumpkin for Halloween, but it didn't look that much different from my actual head.

   I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.