Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

   Does anyone really believe Bobby Brown even knew what a prerogative was?

   It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

   It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

   Saw my ex walking down the street. Where's Tony Stewart when you need him??

   My Laptop should come with a breathalyzer so I can't post anything after 3 glasses of wine

   I may not be that much of an importance to you but atleast I will be there when you need me

   Just heard the gay channel have dropped the soap awards.

   I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?

   Sometimes you have to take a deep breath & remind yourself that you wouldn’t look cute in prison clothes & smile at the jerk & walk away.

   When I hear someone complain that their towns are boring with nothing to do, all I hear is a boring person who doesn't know how to have fun.

   Inspirational thought: One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right?

   If I ever get into road rage again, and the person gets out of their car. I'm going to run them over under the Tony Stewart act..... Just saying

   Sometimes I wish Tony Stewart would run me over....... #Hangover

   I won't be impressed with technology until I can download beer.

   Me: "I'm here for the hookers and the booze!!!" Her: "Sir, this is a library." Me: *whispers... "I'm here for the hookers and the booze."

   Please don't come to my garage sale if you've ever let me borrow something.

   where in the marriage licence does it say "feel free to get fat now ladies"? jeez have some respect for yourself and husband..

   "If ya can't beat them, kill 'em" -Tony Stewart

   You had me at "can't wait until Obama isn't president anymore"