Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Hamster passed today,,,, Yeah, he fell asleep at the wheel.... :(

   My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super badass and hilarious

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   COP: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"... ME: "So it wouldn't be as windy and easier to hear when we talked?."

   I tried to buy a zebra from the zoo and I was told it was not for sale. I said it should be it has bar codes all over it. . .

   Wasn't Al Bundy's toilet also named Ferguson?

   Not one back to school special on beer. Whatkind of world do we live in.

   A Youtube wet t-shirt contest to benefit ALS... I bet the breast cancer marketers wish they had thought of that one...

   I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you

   Vodka would never tell me to put my phone down and see a therapist for my addictions.

   Not to brag, but I can cure a woman of having feelings for me in five minutes flat.

   Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved

   I've got 2 college degrees in case anyone needs their lawn mowed or pool cleaned

   I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.

   Marriage licenses must be reviewed and renewed yearly.

   Officer: Why were you driving so fast? Me: Just trying to keep up with traffic. Officer: There's no one on the road. Me: That just shows how far behind I am.

   Did you ever wish you could sometimes freeze frame a moment in your day, look at it and say "this is not my life"? 'Robin Williams, Mrs doubtfire'

   Drinky Poos'- What a girl calls a drink to try and be cute. Drinky Poos'- What a man has the morning after a night of drinking.

   Cop: Sir, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: No, Officer. I thought sure that you would know.

   Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a $hit?