Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Need help drafting a weed smoking NFL fantasy team. That way they won't miss any games due to suspensions...

   patiently waiting for the "No-Bra" Ice bucket challenge

   My father dies from ALS, get off the subject and start writing funny stuff...

   You can now buy booze at Starbucks. So apparently my letter-writing campaign paid off.

   I now nominate all of you for the ALS ice pick to the head challenge.

   Facts never seem to matter to a lynch mob.

   While the folks in Ferguson are busy protesting, Mexicans are taking their jobs...

   From 8am until 11:59 a.m,,,, my job basically pays me to think about what I am going to have for lunch

   I walked a mile their shoes and I didn't end up carrying a flat screen 50" TV out of a closed store in Ferguson.

   Seems like my body should have better things to do than make ear hair.

   Ice Bucket Challenge = Monkey see Monkey Do

   Not now, Life. I have fake people to impress on the Internet.

   I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy

   You're really cute, can I suck the life out of you? - women

   When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.

   I feel so old whenever someone tells me they were born in the 90s

   I only kissed you for a few minutes of peace and quiet.

   Had a big mix up at the store today... Apparently, when the woman said "strip down facing me," she was referring to my credit card.

   I Googled "Gary Oldman" and got some pretty disturbing images - he's really let himself go, I thought. Then I realised I'd left the "R" out of Gary.

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom: Man rule # 1 - If there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1, don't come park it at urinal #2! Your man card is suspended